In case anyone still has blisschick in their readers (and I know many do), I wanted to let you all know that I am now writing about my adult experience of asperger's at a new blog, Monkey Brains.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
We are at the end of Blisschick, but the beginning of something that I find extremely exciting, Girl on Fire.
Please head on over, and if you like, subscribe. (The subscribe button can be found at the bottom of the blog page.) Also, if you like, please share! Starting over like this is feeling very intimidating, to be honest!
I've written different pages over there about my own story, the concept of the studio, how I think about movement and teaching, and of course, the classes and schedule for my teaching in Erie.
One of the things that has been amazing here at Blisschick has been the quality of my readership. I could count on one hand the amount of times in the 1,089 posts that I got comments that were anything but kind, smart, inquisitive, and engaged.
Thank you! Now go! Find your passion and light up the world!
Monday, September 26, 2011
That little clump of roses is possibly the last of the roses for the year. I went outside yesterday with scissors to cut some flowers to put beside my Our Lady of Guadalupe statue, and I could not bring myself to cut these last few. Everything else was just done, and this made me a bit sad.
"No more flowers for Guady." I said to Marcy as I came inside.
But then, looking toward the park from our kitchen window, even through the window that I can see from here, where I type, I notice hints of red in the leaves of the trees. A little bright yellow here and there.
I love fall, I remember, and the last of the roses doesn't feel quite so sad. As summer ends, fall begins.
I am going to be launching a new site that is connected to my real-life work more directly. I am excited about this. I have felt...a bit of restriction with blisschick for some time now.
But I am also sad. I have written here for over three years, starting on April 15, 2008 with this post that has within it so much foreshadowing it almost takes my breath away.
I may be announcing the new site as soon as tomorrow, maybe not until Wednesday. Blisschick will stay right here, all the archives accessible, but I will not import it into the new blog. I want a really fresh, clean slate.
Like the green, muddy earth of Spring.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I am writing content for a new site (coming soon!), and I wrote a new "about me" page, in which I told the story of my transformation in the last few years.
Few. Notice I said "few years."
I wrote in my "about me" story that three years ago I was just getting ready to go to Kripalu and change my life forever.
Nope. It was TWO years ago. Here is one of the pre-Kripalu posts.
On the second day of October, year 2011, I will be teaching my first class in my very own studio space.
On the second day of October, year 2009, I was just getting ready to embark on this amazing journey.
So fast! Breathlessly fast!
And when I left for Kripalu, I could not have had any freaking idea what lay before me. I thought it might be...fun.
It turned out to be transformational in so many ways that to describe it just sounds like crazy, over-hyped nonsense.
But it was that big.
So I have to wonder, as I embark on this next leg of this journey, what lies ahead? I cannot, as evidenced by the past two years, have any clue.
Just opening this studio is a dream come true but I know that even more awaits me.
In two measly years, so much as happened.
Let's make a list!
- I was still having a hard time getting out of bed on most mornings. Anxiety and depression ruled my world.
- I, in no way, felt fulfilled. I felt stuck. I felt like I would never ever meet any part of my potential as a human being.
- I felt lucky to have all the love I had in my life, but I was not living in gratitude for it, that's for sure.
- I mostly felt frightened and superstitious.
- I thought if I dared to ever want more than comfort and safety, that all I cared about would be taken from me as punishment for my greed.
- I was drowning in stories of my past.
- I would get moments of relief, but mostly, I was in emotional and mental pain.
- I could not see how this was hurting Marcy -- that's how lost I was.
- I had very few friends and the ones I did have...many of them were toxic or highly needy. You know, people I could "take care of" so that I could feel an ounce of good about myself.
- I was physically so out of shape and uncomfortable in my body that, for a while, Marcy and I talked about how I would need a CANE soon! YES! A CANE! I had hip issues and was lucky enough to find an amazing PT in Cleveland...but IMAGINE! I thought I needed a cane!!
Post-Kriaplu and Presently:
- If I ever have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, it's because I AM SLEEPY! From being so ACTIVE and ENGAGED in my life!
- I feel constantly and wonderfully challenged. I feel that I am able to experiment and push myself and experience the edges of my potential as I push them further and further.
- I have so much love in my life and now the people whom I love ALSO feel loved and seen and taken care of.
- I mostly feel interested, intrigued, awe-struck, and faithful. Those are my predominant states of mind.
- Now I see fear and anxiety as something to walk through. As an invitation to learn more about myself and NEVER as something to STOP me.
- I am no longer mired in my old stories but making new ones every day.
- My brain is a tool. It is healing. It no longer works against me.
- Marcy is now able to be more HERSELF, since I am not sucking all our energy.
- I am surrounded by so many friends! This is a HUGE MIRACLE. I HAVE FRIENDS! And they are interesting, engaged, open, loving humans! We have an amazing community.
- I am stronger, more graceful, more balanced, more creative in this body than I even was at 16.
"Things change, Kundun," his teacher tells him in the movie. And then, he snaps his fingers. Things change and they change fast.
If we are open to the possibility and willing to do our part.
I have been scared shitless through most of this, but I did it anyway.
So can you.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I just wrote about how I almost killed all the new awesome in my life with anxiety, and I have been trying to pay closer attention to my approach to the current challenges of starting a small business since I discovered that basically I was approaching it via FREAKING OUT.
Part of how I got myself into a more grateful approach to my challenges was by filling my brain with the work of people who focus on that, like this guy and this guy in particular.
I have said it in the past and I will probably say it again a million times to myself and to you: I would rather be happy with the freaks than sad with the cynics (who mistake themselves for the intellectuals).
One of the things that has come up for me is the Buddha's First Noble Truth, translated in a couple of ways, including "Life is suffering" or the softer, lighter attempt, "Suffering exists."
Well, no shit, Sherlock.
I realized, when thinking this through, that using the First Noble Truth as a foundational belief is really getting us nowhere. Or at least, a lot of us.
It can easily be used as an excuse for staying stuck. (Notice I did not say, "It is ALWAYS used as an excuse for staying stuck.")
I know too many people who have crap happen, and they throw up their shoulders and say, "Well...Life IS suffering after all.."
Let's think this through.
If your foundational belief is "suffering exists," (which is really like a no-brainer), what does this do to your outlook? What does it do to your approach? Do you then tend to see more suffering because you expect it? Do you hold onto suffering like a badge? Do you become "too comfortable" with your suffering?
I certainly was approaching a lot of good in my life expecting eventual suffering.
I could barely be happy about having my own studio, for goodness sake, waiting for a shoe or a hundred to drop.
I wonder what "suffering exists" as a continual mantra does to our hearts? What does it do to our willpower?
I have decided not to say that anymore.
First of all, I do not agree with it in a fundamental way.
I think life is beauty, truth, love, joy. I think shit happens -- some really difficult shit -- but I also believe our Joy is so big that we are quite capable of finding good even on our worst days.
For the most part, we wouldn't survive if shit happening were the day-to-day norm. We wouldn't even want to get up in the morning, much less feed ourselves or...breathe.
Second, I also believe that, in large part, you get what you expect.
So it seems uber-important to make sure our internal mantras are in alignment with what we want from life.
So let's rewrite the First Noble Truth, shall we?
The First TOTALLY AWESOME Truth: Life is Joy. Joy exists.
Repeat that over and over and see how you feel at the end of the day.