Thursday, October 22, 2009
Finally Awake Enough to Know My Exhaustion
The work of being back in my body continues...
I used to say -- and with a laugh! -- "You could cut off my body and my head would never notice!"
So many years of sadness and depression and stress and anxiety and fear had effectively turned me into a Walking Intellect with little access to What Was Happening in My Body.
I would go all day without peeing and then wonder why I was in pain.
I would forget to eat or eat on automatic pilot.
I barely slept due to nightmares.
I wonder, sometimes, how I have made it this far in relatively good health.
All along, I have been trying to "fix" myself through the intellect too. I have read enough, I again joke, to qualify for my PhD in Psychology -- or perhaps one in religion or mythology. I have been looking on dusty library shelves for answers since I was about twelve.
Fifteen years ago, meeting Marcy was the first part of my physical awakening. Soon after, I found yoga.
But only since I have rediscovered Dance -- not even six months ago -- has the real body healing begun.
I was loving Marcy and our life together and our animals and doing yoga still from that familiar and safe feeling place of Gray Matter.
As soon as I put on those Capezios, something big happened. I felt lighter, more joyful, less...mired down by Gunk.
Then the week away at YogaDance teacher training truly broke me open.
The Awakening that began with Marcy and our life seems to have come to some Critical Point at Kripalu.
It was a bit like my soul -- wandering lost for so long -- saw that my body was once again loved and warm and comfortable and decided to drop by. Literally. I know the moment it happened even.
While doing a Dance Prayer, My Soul -- that thing with feathers -- fluttered over my head, the place where all my fear and sad has resided. Seeing the crack in me, the crack through which all those emotions I had hidden from were shining, leaking out...seeing that crack in as opportunity, She came back home to me.
My Diamond Center.
My Bleeding Heart.
Whatever traditional image you want to use, I am a New Person.
And it turns out, I am an Exhausted Person.
I have written about this a bit before, but now it finally feels Real and makes sense to me.
My whole life has been about the power of Will and pushing through. I have worked from a base of Tired on everything from the mundane tasks of daily life to getting an M.A. in English to writing this blog.
It has all simply felt like Work that Needed to Be, Had to Be Done.
I have never felt refreshed.
But when I dance, I feel myself shedding that Exhaustion.
I know this will take time and it will take Extreme Care and Awareness.
But Finally, Finally, I am awake enough to know my Exhaustion. I am Awake enough to finally Wake Up.
(Photo & Text Copyright: Christine C. Reed, blisschick.net, 2009, Cafe at Kripalu)