Monday, October 5, 2009

An Introvert Outside Her Box

This is just a brief post -- and later there will be pictures, I promise -- to let you know that after 18 icky hours on bus after bus after bus, I have landed safely at Kripalu Yoga Center, eager to begin my YogaDance teacher training but feeling icky sticky and quite displaced.

But that's the idea, right? To push myself. To stretch these wings and see how they work in different wind streams.

I have been here, as I write this on Sunday afternoon, for all of one hour and am still awaiting my room and a blessed, blissful shower.

I know I have to breathe through all this initial fear, all this gripping, all this reaction.

It's hard.

I am immediately repulsed by a hundred little things. Looks, words, bits of overheard conversation, the quiet whisper-voice thing that everyone seems to affect.

But I keep reminding myself that much of this is my Introvert, Screaming from the Ache of the New.

I keep reminding myself of what I learned through many difficult deaths and my reemergence from an intellectual atheism: that I really would rather be "with" the "freaks" than with the cynical know-it-alls.

By the time many of you read this, I will be in or done with the first couple of actual sessions. I will have eaten proper meals. I will have slept. I will be clean, for goodness sake.

I am thinking I may have gotten an attitude adjustment by then.

I'll write more at some point tomorrow.

In the meantime, how do you all react to the Drastically New?

11 comments:

svasti said...

I don't know if all of the stuff you mentioned is because of your inner introvert (I have one too, she's just hidden a lot behind the Cover Up Extrovert).

I mean, that whole the quiet whisper-voice thing that everyone seems to affect..., that would annoy the frack outta me too!

Have to say, I don't EVER intend to be one of those yoga teachers with the soft whispy voice!

Good luck with your training. I hope by the time you got your rooom & had a shower, you started to feel a little more okay. Nothing like your own cave, even a temporary one, to make you feel more comfortable.

Dance your butt off! And tell us all about it. Have to say, I don't really know much about Dance Yoga.

Eco Yogini said...

hehe svasti- I LOVE the Battlestar reference. Sigh, I miss Battlestar...

Oh Christine, I know that once you shower and feel clean that it will be so much better. I have taken quite a few long bus trips during my University years and felt gross and disgusting every single time.

You will DANCE and have so much fun, and take away what works for you- leaving the really 'fouffy' stuff for the uber 'freaks' lol.

Can't wait to hear more!

Wild Roaming One (WRO) said...

"I really would rather be "with" the "freaks" than with the cynical know-it-alls." yep...

I empathize with your introvert...got one too, and she balks everytime we set out to do something I know we'll both love. It's takes encouraging her, like I do with my 4 1/2yr old, that if she can get past the inital scary stuff, she'll really feel at home with why we're here.

Hugs to to you both Christine.

WRO xo

Melita said...

i am so happy that you are exploring outside of your box :) can't wait to see pics and hear more about the trip.

Heather Plett said...

From one of the "freaks", I think what you're doing is awesome and I am with you in spirit! Remember that stretching is good for you, in more ways than one!

Anonymous said...

I felt the same way my first time at Kripalu!

I wrote in my journal about how I felt as a 'virgin' there, and then when I left, I read over it and laughed at how far I'd come.

I handled the New there by stealing alone time in my room, journaling, and I'll admit it, shopping in their amazing store!

Can't wait to hear how you fall in love with Kripalu after you've been there a day.

:)
Jessica

City Girl said...

Go you for exploring beyond your comfort zone. :)

Dianne Poinski said...

Congratulations for "pushing" yourself. Every time I venture outside my comfort zone I go kicking and screaming (usually a lot of crying as well) and I always seem to come out the other side happier and more confident. I think that's what growing is all about. Keep us posted!

Earth Mother said...

Envisioning you sitting in the cafe as you wrote this on your laptop.

Your post took me back many years, remembering my first visit to Kripalu.

It's now a good 24 hours since you wrote these words. You've showered. Had three life-giving meals in the dining room. No doubt, met some wonderful new people. And, already experienced your morning session of YogaDance...

I am now envisioning a BIG smile on your face.

Dance your bliss!

lucy said...

the words "growth involves risk" keep flowing through my mind. i hate that crummy feeling of surveying a room and wondering if what you are seeing and/or experiencing is accurate... "Looks, words, bits of overheard conversation, the quiet whisper-voice thing that everyone seems to affect."

i led a new workshop on saturday and was nearly frozen to begin because the "audience" didn't look how i thought they might. i sent up some arrow prayers, adjusted my attitude and ended up having an absolutely incredible experience (& they apparently did, too - even after one of them looked at me and said, "oh you really remind me of someone" and i got the sense that "someone" was not their favorite person. how's that for a beginning?)

look forward to the wonders that will come from stepping outside your box.

breathe and have fun!!!

Jen Cross said...

Christine, I can absolutely relate -- there's an ongoing internal tug-of-war, for me, between the introvert and the extrovert, the one ready to jump in all the new lakes with all the new people, and the one who would always prefer to be by hirself off in a nice sun-dappled area, journaling or reading a book. :)

The Radically or Drastically New is actually often much easier for me to deal with when I'm alone, rather than when I'm engaging in this deep Newness with a friend/companion/lover -- I'm less likely to feel compelled to perform some kind of 'competence' when I'm by myself, if that makes any sense; instead, I can be as 'baby-steps' as I want to be, without feeling as though I'm disappointing somebody else's understanding or vision of me...

(What a great question -- I hadn't thought about any of that before!)

So excited for you that you've plunged into this journey, and I'm looking forward to hearing more of your experiences with Kripalu! I know nothing about it, and am excited to learn more...

best & thanks!
Jen