Friday, January 15, 2010
Something So Small...
(Me, in my pale blue snow pants, giggling in the middle of defeating the ice.)
After writing yesterday's post, I got the chance to meet some of my stronger and more persistent Mind Soldiers. These guys are tough. They know how to camouflage and they know the darkest parts of my brain to hide out in. They are also totally patient, waiting for the perfect moment of weakness.
I was supposed to meet with a few people to begin discussions about some awesome YogaDance teaching opportunities. I was pretty worked up -- excited, nervous, all that.
I thought about my outfit, which notebook I would take -- you know, all the silly little stuff that makes us feel prepared and safe.
I left early so I wouldn't rush and so I could get just the right table. We were meeting at the Cafe at our neighborhood organic grocer. The sun was shining and the air felt a bit warmish on my walk.
What a perfect day to begin a new venture, the story in my head started.
Being new to my cell phone, I didn't check it until they were all a few minutes late. I was sipping on my banana and pineapple smoothie, when I got the message that they were canceling.
It was for perfectly legitimate reasons and we are rescheduling next week, but those Mind Soldiers saw this as the ammo they needed, and poof! Perfect day was just gone!
Like that! (SNAP)
Even with all this awareness and mindfulness that I've managed to cultivate, even with the ability to witness, to watch what was happening to me, I felt like I had no control, no ability to stop it.
In the middle of this firestorm of sorts, I felt annoyed with myself. Why was I doing this?
Because make no mistake, it was ME doing it. Those Soldiers live in my brain -- are a construction of my brain. I take full responsibility for their existence.
I finally got up off my butt and danced for almost an hour and that seemed to pacify those nasty Soldiers and their bullets of pessimism.
But today? I can feel that they were there, that they are still lurking around corners.
Now, though, they know I'm watching, that I see them, and this alone makes it all different.
Patience, Grasshopper, Patience.