Friday, January 15, 2010

Something So Small...

(Me, in my pale blue snow pants, giggling in the middle of defeating the ice.)

After writing yesterday's post, I got the chance to meet some of my stronger and more persistent Mind Soldiers. These guys are tough. They know how to camouflage and they know the darkest parts of my brain to hide out in. They are also totally patient, waiting for the perfect moment of weakness.

I was supposed to meet with a few people to begin discussions about some awesome YogaDance teaching opportunities. I was pretty worked up -- excited, nervous, all that.

I thought about my outfit, which notebook I would take -- you know, all the silly little stuff that makes us feel prepared and safe.

I left early so I wouldn't rush and so I could get just the right table. We were meeting at the Cafe at our neighborhood organic grocer. The sun was shining and the air felt a bit warmish on my walk.

What a perfect day to begin a new venture, the story in my head started.

Being new to my cell phone, I didn't check it until they were all a few minutes late. I was sipping on my banana and pineapple smoothie, when I got the message that they were canceling.

It was for perfectly legitimate reasons and we are rescheduling next week, but those Mind Soldiers saw this as the ammo they needed, and poof! Perfect day was just gone!

Like that! (SNAP)

Even with all this awareness and mindfulness that I've managed to cultivate, even with the ability to witness, to watch what was happening to me, I felt like I had no control, no ability to stop it.

In the middle of this firestorm of sorts, I felt annoyed with myself. Why was I doing this?

Because make no mistake, it was ME doing it. Those Soldiers live in my brain -- are a construction of my brain. I take full responsibility for their existence.

I finally got up off my butt and danced for almost an hour and that seemed to pacify those nasty Soldiers and their bullets of pessimism.

But today? I can feel that they were there, that they are still lurking around corners.

Now, though, they know I'm watching, that I see them, and this alone makes it all different.

Patience, Grasshopper, Patience.


leel said...

patience is the key. and remember, timing is everything. maybe some of the best ideas people were going to present havent appeared yet, but next week they will be there. trust, sista. but disappointment is allowed for SURE. just dance it out like you did.

you are so awesome. thanks for sharing that with us :)

Marcy Hall said...

all i have to say is: you got a banana and pineapple smoothie without me? :)

Girlie-Queue said...

#1 - How awesome you are able recognize their influence!
#2 - I love that you danced to keep them at bay :)
#3 - Thanks for always opening your soul and thoughts so completely for us ♥
You just rock...xxxooo

Karen D said...

you rock!

Emma said...

I can imagine how hard that let-down would be! Good job dealing with it mindfully (and dancefully).

Environmental Soul said...

I love reading your blog. Everyday I wait for a new post to read. This specific post really spoke to me. I have the same way of reacting to such occasionions. It was nice to see that I am not the only person like that. Thanks for being so truthful in your posts.

differenceayearmakes said...

(laughing) I think you owe somebody a smoothie.

The best we can do is be prepared for the attack. And its always a sneak attack.

Bethany said...

keep chipping away at that ice with a big smile on your face.

Ellen said...

Good catch, grasshopper :-)

This is kind of how I can slide into depression as well.

All the best with the new dance ventures! It does take time and patience to launch new things...

sweetmango said...

hee hee hee Marcy cracks me up!!
She is one grounding sweetheart!
Im with leel, there is a reason for all of it. You know Miss Bliss, that the reason could even have something to do with finding those soldiers and facing them, have you not gained another level of understanding in the tick tock of your internal clock??
You are loved.

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

Ever so often, disappointment comes out of nowhere and hoofs us good in the gut. Becoming mindful to oneself does not remove the disappointment we feel, but it can change our reactions ~ vis a vis the mind soliders. The mere act of observing the mind soldiers shrinks their capacity to wreak havoc.

While the cat's away said...

It is interesting that I read your post after reading a quote this morning. Thought the quote might help you as it helped me:
"To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on. True surrender, however, is something entirely different. It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and to do nothing about it. Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action. Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life.”
~Eckhart Tolle

So, keep dancing and surrender to the flow of life. Have a wonderful day and know that your blog inspires many of us.

Tess said...

Isn't it the two steps forward one step back syndrome? You recognise the mind soldiers (which is actually probably about ten steps forward) but sometimes you can't pacify them quickly enough. I wonder if ignoring them might work?

Sallie Ann said...

This is great. Keep thinking about momentum. This is my word of the year!

Rachel said...

The first time nobody turned up to one of my yoga classes I felt exactly like this.

It happens occassionally and it took a long time for me to enjoy the unexpected night off.

Carolyn said...

That is so something that would happen to me. My mind soldiers are crazy! I'm learning to tame them...