Friday, February 5, 2010
Marcy is home from her time writing in a cabin.
While she was gone, as usual, some of my demons decided to come for tea, but this time, something different happened. I set a trap like that kid in that movie, and pretty soon, those demons were pretty much lookin' like...dumb asses. Like the adults in that movie. Ha!
The first night I was here by myself was pretty typical. I stayed up later than my body likes, thinking this would make me so tired that my head would hit the pillow and my brain would have no time to notice that I was by myself in our house.
Nope. Brain was sleepy but still aware. The next day I was grouchy, as I wrote about on here, but I worked through it. The second night -- ah, the second night -- was different.
I always take a hot bath before bed, and when I am in the house alone, this is where my fears really start to kick it up a notch. My OCD brain concocts all sorts of scenarios, most of which are not unique. My OCD brain loves to borrow from bad movies or snippets of news that it has somehow caught on the fly.
(There are a ton of reasons why all of my fears are completely illogical, but there's no need to go into that here -- OCD brain is not about logic. Ever.)
My hot bath doesn't last long when Marcy is not in the house, because I start to envision that someone is making his way up the stairs and down the hallway. I start to see the headlines about my bloody death. Oh, the drama that my fear, my brain is so fond of.
I get out of the tub and keep as many lights on as long as possible. I get into bed and the tossing and turning commences. Usually.
But last night, I found the trap that was able to contain my fears. My brain was racing, as was my heart. Suddenly, it hit me...
Here's the thing, OCD brain, you can chatter all you want. You can build flaming towers of fear, and it doesn't matter because I lived my day well.
This is huge: I lived my day well.
Like I said, the fears are totally illogical, but let's say, it's true, silly brain, let's say that someone is about to come down that hallway and take me out. Guess what?
I lived my day well.
And I fell asleep without another bad thought.