Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Seeing In Black and White


I am in a mood.

There are reasons, sure, like the fact that Marcy is at a writing cabin, and isolation, though I am an introvert, isolation is not comfortable to me. I did not sleep well last night. I drank a whole beer and I'm a lightweight and it made me toss and turn. I did not dance yesterday.

I could go on, but that's getting boring, isn't it?

Whining is boring.

When I am in a mood like this, suddenly I see the world around me in very black and white terms and everything and anything has the potential to turn me into PissedChick. An unproductive chick if ever there was one. She is pissed. Period. She doesn't do anything about it; she takes no action. She just sits around being pissed.

Yep. That's good for everyone.

The only thing she does, really, is demand to be fed, and here are some of her favorite foods:

She loves Media in all shapes and form. Media's main purpose is to make us feel some very bad things: weakness, as if we can't change the world; fear, ditto; and insufficiency on all levels -- I am insufficiently thin and I have insufficient funds, just for two examples.

Yum, Media. PissedChick gorges on this stuff. You'll find it stuck between her teeth and there are specks of it on her shirt.

She'll also seek out the edges of traditional Media for dessert. I know everyone reading this has to have a blog or two that just...annoys them. I used to have a few in my reader. When I feel like this, I notice PissedChick googling for those blogs. They make her feel either righteous or downtrodden, depends on the flavor.

If I let her out in public (and oh, boy, I will not be doing that today!), PissedChick loves to engage in arguments. Anything will do. They are smooth and intoxicating like a fantastic pinot noir.

PissedChick almost -- it was very close -- she almost got a hold of the keyboard today. She almost wrote this blog post. Oh, would she have told you a few things. And you would have seen the light -- or else.

Instead, I saw that she was here and I called Marcy out at her writing cabin and we talked it through. Marcy sees through PissedChick's tricks much more quickly than I do and she knows just what to say to make her go away.

So here I am, tender BlissChick, tip toeing around her and trying not to look at her. She loves attention; it gives her strength.

I know that if I dance today, you'll be able to hear her melting screams wherever you are.


16 comments:

Linnea said...

This inspires me to get back to those StuckChick collages I began this summer and did ... oh, one of, I think.

Kudos to you for knowing yourself so well you can see these Chicks coming -- and I love your strategy of removing them from yourself and seeing them as separate entities. I think it reduces their power.

Heather Plett said...

You have this magical way of framing things that just feels so relatable!

PissedChick pays me a visit now and then too.

And if Marcy's ever not available, you could happily phone me. :-)

Brooks Hall said...

Wow! It sounds like a good idea to 'melt the screams' with a dance-hug for your beautiful soul.

Susan said...

Thanks, Christine for a wonderful essay about awareness and opportunity! I adore the melting screams thing at the end...Dorothy and the wizard of oz comes to mind. So glad to hear that blisschick is feeling better and in charge!

Eco Yogini said...

ohhhh i am so glad that you spoke with Marcy... :)

yep, pissed chick lisa likes to hang out as well. and rants and raves. thankfully, Andrew sees through her and is (usually!) very calm and supportive and pissed chick lisa disappears.

DANCE away! :)

claire said...

As I read about PissedChick, I wonder what I turn into in a situation like yours. At this moment, I do not know. Need to think about it.
Thank you.

YogaforCynics said...

"though I am an introvert, isolation is not comfortable to me"

I can really relate to that...or, maybe, it's that, while I can handle being alone, I like it to be MY idea...

Ellecubed said...

I agree with Heather Plett, you have this wonderful way of making things that we all experience seem more understandable and more easy to relate to. Thank you so much for with us about Pissedchick. It has helped me to look at my own pissed off self in a new way.

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

melting screams ... love that imagery.

cypress sun (amy) said...

ha...she was here, in my house today as well! she gets around!

i gave her the nasty treats left over from the holidays...and headed straight for the bath.

:)

Amy said...

This is a great post, although I'm not sure all media's purpose is to make us feel those things. Some media can be very uplifting (like your blog, or beautiful music, or an inspiring movie). But magazines, news programs, angry music? Yeah. I especially seek out the angry/depressing music when Pissed Chick comes to visit.

When I feel like this, I notice PissedChick googling for those blogs. They make her feel either righteous or downtrodden, depends on the flavor.

I had no idea others did this! I have been making a conscious effort of late to avoid doing this, but sometimes Pissed Chick triumphs. Reasonable Chick is starting to make progress though. Because Reasonable Chick knows the truth is that it's not that Pissed Chick is more righteous, but jealous of other bloggers' (seeming) confidence, and not secure enough in her own skin to allow them to be who they are without having to tear them down.

Of course, my Pissed Chick has a bad habit of morphing quickly into Depressed Chick, wondering why she bothers, and then into Destructive Chick and turning on my creativity, dismissing my artwork, deleting blogs, ripping pages from my journals. Reading today's post (about triggers) makes me think that maybe I could find a trigger for Depressed Chick, something that would help help her snap out of it before she becomes destructive. Lots to think about.

One way to win against media: I like foiling the magazines by ripping out photos and rearranging them for collages and my Illustrated Discovery Journal and such. Takes their power away and helps me find my own.

Christine Claire Reed said...

Amy, Yes. Yes. Yes. PissedChick is all about perceived lack of power, low self esteem, etc.

I think if you are noticing that P.C. can morph into DepressedChick (same for me), then THAT is the trigger to watch for -- the pissiness -- and stop THAT.

Which is where, for me, dancing, etc. come in. Forcing (and yes, sometimes it's FORCING) ourselves to do what we love especially when we don't want to? That is conquering fear on the ground level.

Amy said...

Christine,

You're absolutely right--nip it in the bud when PissedChick rears her ugly head. Maybe a nice, long, angry walk.

speck of dust said...

I'm stuck with scaredy chick today and I would actually rather have pissed chick or anything than scaredy chick. Love this post and your awareness. Your so luck to have someone who loves all of you and can help you be the best you can be.

Jeanne Klaver said...

Such a creative post. I love the way you are able to "be" with what's going on in the moment! I love PissedChick as much as BlissChick!

Anonymous said...

Can I ever relate! Thank you for showing me how I feed my own 'pissed chick' and that maybe I have a choice. I too alternate btwn pissed and depressed. Would like to increase my repertoire. Thanks for yet another great posting. I also so appreciated your later post about routine. Lisa