Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Holy Dance of Holy Week

I am feeling rather quiet this week. Contemplative. Which seems just about right since it's Holy Week on the Christian calendar and Passover on the Jewish calendar.

This year, for me, there is an added layer of confusion to the contemplative.

I've written about this a bit before, and at the end of that piece, I say that lent is about to start and what a great time to think all of this through, and yet...

I'm more confused now than ever. I've discussed some of this with some really helpful people and come to some understanding but no conclusions. And this Chick loves her conclusions. She likes things Neat and Tidy. She likes things to be Decided. She is uncomfortable with too much gray in her life.

Here is what she does understand:

She feels split in two. There is the part of her that is totally smitten with her new life in Dance. This part of her is In Love. Completely moonstruck. Then there is this other part of her that worries that she is Missing Something by focusing. This part permeates much of her life -- from radio channel surfing to wanting whatever Marcy ordered for dinner if it is different from what the Chick ordered.

Okay...enough of the Third Person Royal speak.

I fear missing out. I have spent much of my life being a snorkeler, because I fear that in diving deep I will miss out on a pretty fish.

But diving deep, it turns out, is really my true nature. It feels Right and Good and it comes easier than I would have ever expected. (Marcy would tell you that she has known for-EVER that I am a very single minded animal, but I did not know this...)

So I am diving deep into the ocean of Dance, and that part of me that thought I loved snorkeling above all else is totally panicking.

I enter Holy Week and worry that I am not following the "Right" path. I worry that I am meant to be doing some other thing , that I am meant to be another Dorothy Day or...well, something else.

I know better than that.

I know many things, actually, and it took writing this to figure these things out. They are sprinkled all over a couple of important conversations, and here I will bring them together:

I know, for one, that Dancer is who I was born to be.

I know, for two, that finding who we were born to be is the primary path for most, if not all, of us. We are born to be something, life happens, and then we have to find our way back. It's our hero's journey.

I know, for three, that my idea of God is bigger than any container, though I love some certain containers and think they are representative of some Amazing human thinking and creativity.

But I know, for four, that my most amazing thinking and creating is going to happen in Dance.

I know that when I dance, I fulfill myself. When I dance, I turn my life into the Holy of Holies, into a Eucharist, into an Offering, into a Prayer.

Every time depression attempts to re-enter my life and defeat me like the demon it is, I dance and I rise from those ashes.

Every time I dance rather than succumb, I am saying "thank you."

When I dance, I co-create. When I dance, I am free. When I dance, I am Full of Grace.

If that is not the point of the Lenten journey, I don't know what is.

I'm sure -- I know for certain -- that I will feel confused again. But then, Easter comes every year, and before that, we are given plenty of time in the desert.

(If you're needing a little inspiration and an angel blessing, go read this at Abbey of the Arts.)


Megan Matthieson said...

i think you cleared that up for yourself. :) i spent way too much of my life NOT diving deep. staying on the surface and trying to do everything i was supposed to. but no satisfaction. no real sense of...yes! so now i dive into what makes me feel the most ME. the most joy. even when it's ridiculous. i don't care. (well- i do care...) but at the end i want to be remmebered for being AUTHENTIC. that is all.

suZen said...

I love how you wrote this - it reminded me of journal writing (which I do daily and have for 40 years!) in that you need to pour it out and look at what you are saying - be the observer of your own heartfelt words.

What I believe you encounter (as doubt,fear etc) is the negative MonkeyMind trying to upset your peace. It can be quite convincing and is busy planting seeds constantly. It's a royal pain in the ass.

Do what you love and tell MonkeyMind to take a hike! Living in the present moment helps.

Lisa said...

This is utterly beautiful. I love how it unfolds.

I have been feeling *much* the same way lately. So, thank you for putting words to your musings.

Hugs of blessing to you on your incredible journey, dear one.


differenceayearmakes said...

Holy Dance....I like that. I wrote you an email - too long for here.

Who is it that dances life into being? There's someone I just can't think who it is at the moment.

A Green Spell said...

This is a beautiful post and perfectly describes what I feel in myself, so often. I'm a diver, too, but one who is often worried about what I'm missing on the surface. I don't want to miss the "pretty fish," either! :)

Sometimes, though, I think it is human nature to worry about it, and to constantly move back and forth between the two. We all search for balance, but even Mother Nature goes back and forth on the spectrum.

claire said...

I dance and I rise from those ashes...

Godde is where the taste of honey is. If Dance is where it is, then Godde is there waiting for you.

Godde, I was also told, is wherever Love is...

I think you're set, DanceChick!


Megan Potter said...

I LOVE reading your writing. This is beautiful and inspiring, and I don't think you are nearly as confused as you thought you were.

It's my experience that it is perfectly normal to be afraid of our passions and purpose. I think some aspect of ourselves (ego?) is terrified of us living as our Selves in all of our glory. I don't know why that is, but it seems pushing through that fear (and confusion) is part of the growing process.

A friend of mine once called it like putting on clown shoes - you know they are right, but you still have a little growing into them to do. Feeling that way a lot myself too...

Tess said...

I'm reading this several days after you posted it, but I had to comment because ironically today I came across a quote that seems very appropriate: "The wind lashes the surface of the sea and makes it rough and turbulent, but in the deep there is calm." It's by the late Basil Hume, who was Archbishop of Westminster and was I believe a truly holy man. A monk before he was Archbishop.