Thursday, March 18, 2010
My First Spring: A Story of Transformation in 9 Months
(Cropped version of a photo from May 2009)
When I took this photo last year, I was months away from attending our friend's wedding where I would dance for a few minutes and change my life in the process.
When I took this photo, I was a different person. I thought I was happy enough. I thought I was over depression and anxiety enough. I thought I was stimulated and challenged enough.
But I wasn't. I had no idea how much more was waiting for me just around the corner.
It's nearing nine months since everything changed and I am feeling...weird. There's no other way to describe it: weird.
Nine months. How appropriate. I didn't notice that until writing it.
There was one point during the first week of our yogadance teacher training in October when I said to the whole group after an intense exercise: "I have been changed on a molecular level. Instantly."
Everyone giggled. I mean, who wouldn't? My words were fierce. Powerful. Daunting. Full of fire and sincere passion.
And true. I felt it. I felt everything in me shift in a moment.
Nine months of big change, like I said, and now I am having what I can only call "vertigo." I feel off or... is it that I have a new center and must acclimate like an astronaut doing a space walk?
The other night I was reading Anthony DeMello before bed, and he was writing about "real" change and how it is transformative. In the moment that it happens, you are forever different. And it's not because you've done something or helped yourself but because you suddenly SEE everything differently. And SNAP! You forever see everything in this new way.
He says this only happens when you are ready and not many people are. People don't want to see new things; they are used to the old.
That moment in my training? I'd been working toward it for my whole life, I think.
Of course, I feel weird, (and thanks for listening because this is helping me -- just to write it out), of course, Everything is new. Everything is the first time.
I have never seen Spring like I am seeing it right now and the beauty of it makes me want to weep...and dance.
(NOTE: Again, if you can't see the comments, simply click on the title of this post. You will then have access. I apologize for any inconvenience; I am working to remedy this (WEIRD and most ANNOYING) issue.)