Thursday, March 18, 2010

My First Spring: A Story of Transformation in 9 Months

(Cropped version of a photo from May 2009)

When I took this photo last year, I was months away from attending our friend's wedding where I would dance for a few minutes and change my life in the process.

When I took this photo, I was a different person. I thought I was happy enough. I thought I was over depression and anxiety enough. I thought I was stimulated and challenged enough.

But I wasn't. I had no idea how much more was waiting for me just around the corner.

It's nearing nine months since everything changed and I am feeling...weird. There's no other way to describe it: weird.

Nine months. How appropriate. I didn't notice that until writing it.

There was one point during the first week of our yogadance teacher training in October when I said to the whole group after an intense exercise: "I have been changed on a molecular level. Instantly."

Everyone giggled. I mean, who wouldn't? My words were fierce. Powerful. Daunting. Full of fire and sincere passion.

And true. I felt it. I felt everything in me shift in a moment.

Nine months of big change, like I said, and now I am having what I can only call "vertigo." I feel off or... is it that I have a new center and must acclimate like an astronaut doing a space walk?

The other night I was reading Anthony DeMello before bed, and he was writing about "real" change and how it is transformative. In the moment that it happens, you are forever different. And it's not because you've done something or helped yourself but because you suddenly SEE everything differently. And SNAP! You forever see everything in this new way.

He says this only happens when you are ready and not many people are. People don't want to see new things; they are used to the old.

That moment in my training? I'd been working toward it for my whole life, I think.

Of course, I feel weird, (and thanks for listening because this is helping me -- just to write it out), of course, Everything is new. Everything is the first time.

I have never seen Spring like I am seeing it right now and the beauty of it makes me want to weep...and dance.

(NOTE: Again, if you can't see the comments, simply click on the title of this post. You will then have access. I apologize for any inconvenience; I am working to remedy this (WEIRD and most ANNOYING) issue.)


Diane said...

Welcome to rebirth oh fierce, powerful, passionate one! I'm so cheering you on. You're so amazing and this post is beautiful! Enjoy the newness and the beauty of it all!

Sheila said...

WOW! Happily fortunate to have 'tripped' onto your awakening and rebirth at it's start and delighted to see you 'blooming'.

Heather Plett said...

I started reading your blog right around the time of the funerals and then the wedding. It's been a wonderful year of watching you come into this deeper bliss. I love how authentic and honest you've been about the process.

And... having been through a few of those 9 month birthing processes, I can tell you that there's almost always a period of let down after what you've been waiting for has arrived. :-)

Change/birthing is hard, but it's good!

Haley-O said...

Wow, I totally know that weird feeling. It's not bliss, and it's not (actually not) depression/anxiety. It's like limbo. You can't describe it in words. I KNOW IT. It's like you've pressed the reset button and have the opportunity to rebuild or something. Exciting and daunting to think about -- but the feeling is...nothing. ;) Is that right? A good time to go walking a lot, I'm thinking. :)

Megan said...

"Everything is new. Everything is the first time."

Loved this. Beautiful.

Thanks so much for the new perspective on what's happening. That's exactly it: suddenly seeing the world in a whole new way. THAT's what's happening to me (seems like it's constantly happening to me).

What would I do without you to help me "see" things? ;)


claire said...

Happy rebirth! Happy Spring! Happy Dance! Happy new and beautiful You!

Ketzirah (Carly) said...

So wonderful to witness your growth and transformation. Your comment about the time made me go back and see how long it's been since I first met you, Marcy and Zoe. I can't believe it's been over a year - and it feels like you've been there for much longer too. I looked and I first contacted Marcy in 12/08. You interviewed me just over a year ago for Bliss Chick.


Jenn said...

This post brought on a few tears, I understand what you mean. I feel such hope for spring and the last week I have started to SEE life literally through the eyes of love and somehow I have this new center and I don't know what comes next except, I am starting to dance a little bit more in my spirit and staying in joy and beauty moment to moment. Somehow there is only moving forward after this. Like the platform has been laid LOVE and the steps to dance are rhythmic and all practice, fun and perfect because it is all with Love itself! ;) amazing! have a lovely day and it was so great to be here! so maybe you will be SPRINGBLISSBLOSSOMS soon.. ;) take care! ;) I appreciate you and your blog posts, every time! Jenn

Christine Claire Reed said...

Heather -- Thank you for the baby-birthing comparison. That actually helped me understand what I'm going through a lot more.

Haley -- Thank you for seeing my limbo. You understand completely. ;)

Carly -- Yes, time flies when we're having so much fun.

Jenn -- beautiful. Love is the basis. Exactly.

svasti said...

I know what you mean, although I'm still working on getting to where you're at. It's still a little bit Struggle Town over here. Intermittently, sure. But still working with "healed enough" etc, but then it never really feels like enough somehow, does it?

And I'm still waiting to discover my own moment on the dance floor, like you had at your friend's wedding.

But you've done it, yay you! Wonderful you! So I'm positive I'm on the right track. Just gotta keep going and not give in or give up :)

Lisa said...

Just getting caught up here. I love this question "I feel off or... is it that I have a new center and must acclimate like an astronaut doing a space walk?" I know this feeling, you described it so well.
It is amazing what dance has been for you, what a truly awe-inspiring rebirth.

flowtationdevices said...

I came across your blog a few weeks ago after one of your posts popped up in my Google Alert for "kripalu" (I studied yoga there and love following others' journeys!). Your passion for dance and movement is infectious, and I look forward to following your transformation. Once I figured out the technicalities of my own (new) blog, I'll add you to the blogroll! :)