No picture today. I'm not in the mood.
Here's the truth: Very, very, very close to every single day since I have returned to dance, no matter what, no matter how I feel, I dance.
Because I know it's my essence, my path, my bliss. I know it reminds me that I carry around this tiny, luminescent universe inside of me that connects me to all your tiny, luminescent universes, which connects us all to the Big, Beautiful, Luminescent Universe out there.
I know that I have to dance or else...
Or else, I will succumb to the dark hole that resides at some outer edge of that tiny universe.
Or else, I will become complacent about this beautiful life I have and I'm not willing to go there anymore.
I danced three days ago even when I was starting to cry as I stood and tried to breathe, tried to feel some connection to something. Within moments of pushing through this, I did feel something and soon I was dancing with joy.
I danced two nights ago even after I was awful enough to snip at Marcy for no reason other than the rot inside that I was feeling. Within minutes of dancing together, we were both smiling and giggling.
I danced yesterday when I could feel that black hole pulling me ass-backwards toward it (via the couch, I might add). Yes. I felt better after a couple of plies, a couple of turns.
This is the Grace of Remembering Who We Are: We can get through anything.
I had myself pretty convinced that that black hole had no label other than "Miscellaneous Nebulous Chemical Depression;" this is not something I truly believe in -- I think when we are sad, depressed, angry...whatever...that there is a reason beyond the chemicals at the emotional level (where those chemical reactions are then born).
Then I figured out on a walk that I am mourning the 10th Anniversary of Something Awful. Exactly this week ten years ago, my world changed.
My Body remembered way before my brain did.
Luckily, my Body also re-members. This Body -- this miracle of breath and bone and blood -- stores everything and makes no distinction between good, bad, ugly, beautiful. It's all just the stuff of the universe to this Body, and the stars would not twinkle without the black matter in between.
Out of that black hole at the edges of awareness, a big bang will burst forth and birth something new, and it will do so through the dance of life. Just like me.