Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Truth

No picture today. I'm not in the mood.

Here's the truth: Very, very, very close to every single day since I have returned to dance, no matter what, no matter how I feel, I dance.

Because I know it's my essence, my path, my bliss. I know it reminds me that I carry around this tiny, luminescent universe inside of me that connects me to all your tiny, luminescent universes, which connects us all to the Big, Beautiful, Luminescent Universe out there.

I know that I have to dance or else...

Or else, I will succumb to the dark hole that resides at some outer edge of that tiny universe.

Or else, I will become complacent about this beautiful life I have and I'm not willing to go there anymore.

I danced three days ago even when I was starting to cry as I stood and tried to breathe, tried to feel some connection to something. Within moments of pushing through this, I did feel something and soon I was dancing with joy.

I danced two nights ago even after I was awful enough to snip at Marcy for no reason other than the rot inside that I was feeling. Within minutes of dancing together, we were both smiling and giggling.

I danced yesterday when I could feel that black hole pulling me ass-backwards toward it (via the couch, I might add). Yes. I felt better after a couple of plies, a couple of turns.

This is the Grace of Remembering Who We Are: We can get through anything.

I had myself pretty convinced that that black hole had no label other than "Miscellaneous Nebulous Chemical Depression;" this is not something I truly believe in -- I think when we are sad, depressed, angry...whatever...that there is a reason beyond the chemicals at the emotional level (where those chemical reactions are then born).

Then I figured out on a walk that I am mourning the 10th Anniversary of Something Awful. Exactly this week ten years ago, my world changed.

My Body remembered way before my brain did.

Luckily, my Body also re-members. This Body -- this miracle of breath and bone and blood -- stores everything and makes no distinction between good, bad, ugly, beautiful. It's all just the stuff of the universe to this Body, and the stars would not twinkle without the black matter in between.

Out of that black hole at the edges of awareness, a big bang will burst forth and birth something new, and it will do so through the dance of life. Just like me.


Kirsten Alicia said...

Wow. That's an incredibly powerful piece of writing. I am feeling the pull of the black hole VERY strongly at the moment. Hopefully, the memory of your words will give me the strength not to let go. Love & light to you.

sweetmango said...

Much love to you Christine. I feel so proud to both know you and share in your journey and I am so incredibly proud of who you were and who you are.
You are aware and that is the best place to be.

The Other Laura said...

Writing "The Grace of Remembering Who We Are" in big bold letters and posting it over my desk. Thank you!

iHanna said...

Beautifully written, and many nice reminders in there. Thanks for sharing, I needed that today.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Yes, our bodies and minds at a subconscious level certainly do mark anniversaries of bad or traumatic experiences. For me, the month of February is always problematic that way.

differenceayearmakes said...

I've posted something that just might cheer you up just a smidge on my blog today. I saw it and gasped Christine!

I see sparkles in your future.

Megan Matthieson said...

Our bodies are amazing! Thank you for this. Lovely. As a dancer myself, I don't know where my body ends and my mind begins. My body is always ahead, forcing me to listen. I was not going to go to class today (partially good reason) but you know what? I'm going to go. :)

Brooks Hall said...

My body knows things like that, too. I recently found myself honoring the anniversary of my grandmother's death, before I was consciously aware of what was going on...

Elize said...

much love coming your way <3

Susan said...

Christine; you have put into words the times I have experienced these "hidden" memories that can slowly creep up and can catch me off guard like the memories of past life experiences that have changed who I thought myself to be and who I would ever become.

Thank you once again for sharing your truth and your journey here.

Eco Yogini said...

oh how fantastic.

Thank you Christine :)

claire said...

Honoring with you your anniversary. May your dancing around the black hole lead you to a beautiful place.


Megan said...

I've been thinking about this post and wondering, what's my thing. I mean, I have a lot of subjects I'm immensely interested and passionate in, but that doesn't seem the same as a THING.

Today while I was walking I pondered. What do I need to do daily to stay in touch with me? What rescue me from my dark hole? I love to paint and draw, but I can go whole months without doing either, and my sketch book is yearS old. I love to write, but the only writing I do regularly is journaling (and blogging now).

When it came to me Bliss I was literally shocked... I Practice - as in Spiritual Practice (which I know is what your dance is...). Sometimes practice includes walking, or coffee with a friend, or painting, or reading, or a movie... but Practice ALWAYS includes lighting a candle, breathing, being in the moment - even if for only 60 seconds. Some kind of movement of energy or visualizing. Without this I become broken - a shadow of myself.

How odd... that's my thing? Not anywhere near as glamorous as being saved by dance or painting, but it will have to do. Thanks for helping me dig it out!