Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Out of the Maze
I've written a lot lately about how even positive change can be difficult, that even with positive change, there is still stuff that will bubble to the surface and get in your way and you will find yourself slipping backwards, blah blah blah...other sentences, as a good friend of ours says when she gets bored with what she is saying.
During my "second retreat," I learned something really central and important about myself, and I am here to say now that all that stuff about change being difficult, in this very specific case of mine, was just bullshit. I was dazzling myself with bullshit so that I didn't have to figure out this Very Important Thing, so that I could stay in near my comfort zone -- that of, at the very least, Once-in-a-While SlightlyDepressedChick.
I was trying so hard to fix this problem that I did not notice that I had defined the problem incorrectly.
Finally, I could not sleep one night early last week, and I went downstairs, and in the middle of the night, I wrote Marcy, who was upstairs sleeping, a long email of the stream of consciousness variety.
I didn't want to stop typing until I had nailed this. I started with all the blubbering about change being hard and having to adjust. I just kept going with that until the tune got boring and started to change.
I got to the tune of "I have too much social media in my life," and I sang that for a bit, packed it up on a scape goat, slapped its ass, and sent it out of town.
But that's all that was -- a scape goat -- because I could feel deep in my bones that there was something, well, deeper going on.
I could feel that there was something about my essence that was being held back.
As soon as that feeling hit my nervous system, my brain sent me some memories. Before I knew it, I was writing to Marcy about the couple of months that surrounded my two YogaDance teacher training sessions at Kripalu.
And then I had my Big Epiphany!
Finally. Thank the Gods.
I have been trying so hard to fit in everything, to be good at everything, to not get rid of anything, to define myself as well rounded and all of that.
But I had the happiest time of my life when I was ferociously single-minded. This is not the same, of course, as narrow minded. I will always and forever be interested in many things. That, too, is my nature.
But...BUT now that I am living my bliss path, I find that I am a deep sea diver. When I am deep sea diving, everything is clear and calm and quiet and organized in this brain that can sometimes, dangerously teeter on the borders of Crazy Land.
When I am single minded, I breathe in this life so deeply. When I am single-minded, I have energy and passion and I am excited from the moment my feet hit the floor.
I have a routine and I follow it -- because I am single-minded. I have things to do and I do them -- because I am beautifully, happily, sparkly single-minded.
I wrote in that email to Marcy that I am like a spinning top, and as long as I am spinning super fast (being single-minded), I stay standing, and from the outside, there is a stillness to that.
Marcy said it's the centrifugal force: without the magnetic pull of a central object, things simply float around the center. When I start whirling around the center (being single-minded), everything becomes cohesive. As soon as I slow down to start poking at other subjects, as soon as I get distracted, I start getting all wobbly and off center, and then before you know it, I am laid up with a bruised ankle and ass bone. I am DOWN.
This is my way out of that self-made maze: Allowing myself to completely give in to my bliss, my passion. Never again being apologetic for that or thinking that I need to be anything else.