Monday, May 24, 2010

Still in the Maze

One of my absolutely favorite people from my yogadance training posted this very insightful comment on my facebook update a little over a week ago when I wrote that I felt my (first) retreat week had been a Big Fail. (I was a bit too close still to see all that I had gained from it.)

hahaha i like how you are looking for immediate, active, results-oriented change about being less immediate, active, results-oriented :)

This is someone who "gets" me, that's for sure.

Part of the reason that the initial retreat week happened was that I was exhausted and felt dangerously close to real burnout.

That ankle injury inflicted some serious rest on my body. Rest that I knew I needed, right? Because I was on "retreat."

Wrong. I was on a movement retreat and did not plan to rest my body at all. I planned, actually, to do more than ever in terms of dancing, yoga, weights, and all of that.

As my friend above points out, I was looking for results.

As Marcy would say, I was looking for a way that I could do more without feeling like I was doing more.

HA! I was caught red handed!

I was looking for a way to squeeze more out of myself without feeling stress. What!?

I often harp at you (yes, HARP at you) on this blog about how to accomplish anything truly remarkable in this life that sometimes part of being brave and choosing bliss is the NOT choosing of other things. The Un-Choosing, as it were, of things that you tell yourself you "also love."

I go on and on about how choices can be hard but that we can't have it all and that to have something meaningful we have to create boundaries and priorities.

And you see, as usual with a know-it-all, I am just preaching about the very thing that I most need in my life.

I don't want to let go of anything but I want to add so much more when I know perfectly well that I can't. I am an Introvert, for god's sake. I need a lot of down time, a lot of processing time. That is a fact that cannot be ignored but I have tried very hard to do so.

HOW will I ever figure my way out of this little maze?

Do you hear me trying so hard? Can you hear all the grunting? And the little screams of frustration? I am thinking you can...


LSL said...

I know just what you mean. I have been working really hard,putting huge amounts of effort into and struggling with... the need to relax and let go.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Well, they do say that we teach what we most need to learn ourselves . . . .

Linnea said...

I got three good things from my ex-spouse: 1. Boone; 2. My dear, departed sparkle kitty, Boo; 3. The saying "You preach most what you most need to learn." Boy, do I do that!

We'll learn it. I have faith in us.

Katy Taylor said...

it's amazing, isn't it? we bring our personalities with us on retreat, too...but if we're lucky, they get shaken up a bit, too. blessings.

Jacqueline said...

Loved this post and even more so the one about being introverted--how did I miss that? It's so great to meet all you wonderful introverted women and not have to feel like there is something wrong with me! Another great book that is similar is The Highly Sensitive Person--it also talks about the fact that sensitive people/introverts have rich "inner lives" and lots of interests and so must choose which things they can include in their lives and which they may have to forsake.
Thank you for your wonderful insights and your consistent writing even when your life is overflowing!