Monday, June 28, 2010

Skorts & Thighs & Bikes, Oh, My!


This is my new workout skort.  I love it.  I love the fabric and I love how cool it feels on these oppressively hot and humid days.

I hate, on the other hand, taking and showing you a picture of said skort as it rests on my body.  I cannot even fathom showing you a clearer, better, more-body-involved photo, so this is what you get.

I hated the thought, also, of wearing this out in public.  I thought, for the time being (read: Until I lose more weight), that I would just wear it inside to dance and do yoga and all of that...in private...in my house...with the curtains closed...by myself.

You get the idea.

"You have the thighs of your mother's family...you'll never get rid of those..."

A relative started saying that to me when I was about eleven and kept saying it every summer as I was growing up.  She didn't speak the words so much as spew them and they would slap against me before dripping to a puddle of toxic self-hate at my feet.

I look in the mirror and fixate on those thighs.

I curse those genes.

Here's the thing:  I have dropped FOUR sizes in about ten months.  Four.  And not because I was doing the whole psycho eat-nothing thing.  Oh, no...this dropping of sizes has totally been from the Joy of Dancing.  Dancing...this is what I do now and my body has been all like, "Thank YOU!!"

My body has always been super fast at responding to physical activity -- if not just to push home the idea that physical is what I am supposed to be.

Back to the bike:  I am not ready to share my thighs with the whole world.  Nope.  Not ready at all.  BUT...

BUT...I did take my ass out of this house, wearing that skort.

I walked across the front lawn, all the while hearing whispered voices coming from the houses around us (or more accurately from inside my brain): "Look at her! Why? Why would she wear that?!"

I got on my bike and rode.  I rode past all the cars and trucks and people walking their dogs and people crossing the street and I kept hearing those voices.  I rode through a tunnel of those voices coming at me from every freaking angle.  I rode into them and pushed harder, as if into a stormy headwind.

"Look at her!  Look at her thighs!"

My legs pumped up and down, and I tried with all my might to focus on the feeling of my muscles working so much stronger than ever before in my life.  I thought about the balance and the grace with which those muscles gift me.

I am not ready to show you, the Wider World, my thighs, but I took them for a ride on Friday in my smaller world, and I think that is a big First step.


12 comments:

svasti said...

We all think such weird things about ourselves, don't we? Haha!

I love seeing those women out there who are several (and I mean several!) times larger than me, and they walk down the street wearing something I'd probably never dare to. They wiggle their behinds and strut their stuff for all to see. They are proud of how they look and they feel good about themselves. And I'm kind of envious of those ladies!

Because much fitter, and several dress sizes smaller than them, I still criticise myself mercilessly as you do.

You look great. You looked great before you lost those four dress sizes, too. And I'm so glad you're taking your cute skort out and about and letting those voices say what they will.

I don't know if they ever stop, those voices. But we can learn to get on with things regardless. Just like you've done.

Rock on with your skort!

sweetmango said...

I am so proud of you and so happy to hear more and more each day how you are discovering your true self buried under the rubble of others words.
You really are wonderful, in more ways than you could fathom.
Like svasti said we all do that to ourselves, including me.
You rock that outfit.
xxmichelle

Linnea said...

Memory is an interesting thing.

As your brain remembers those thoughtless comments (and God help the relative that says anything similar to my budding 11-year-old daughter), your body remembers, too. It remembers what it felt like to move. The muscles, having done this before, reshape themselves accordingly.

If only our minds responded to "training" so easily. But yours is. You're gaining the ability to see through the words ... or at least to look at them and shake your head (or stick out your tongue, if you prefer).

ou rock the skort, by the way.

Melita said...

you look smashing in it darling!! you rock that skort!! ;) hugs!!

a cat of impossible colour said...

This was a wonderful post - thank you.

Andrea xx

Heather Plett said...

I am wearing a pair of skin tight leggings today, with a gauzy shift dress over top that shows all my curves. I love it, but had a hard time leaving the house none-the-less. Those voices followed me to the bus stop and beyond.

Allysa said...

It's good to know that I'm not the only one who hears strangers whispering in their head.

hi_missy said...

I was told, from a very young age, that I had the family upper arms and I would never get rid of those. Admittedly, yes, they do keep on waving long after I'm done, but they can carry 8 bags of groceries, a diaper bag and baby carrier up the stairs, they can pick up two children and hug them, and they can hold a mighty Down Dog for a long time.
Thank you for sharing your inspiration with us.

Anonymous said...

Do you know what? I remember meeting you in YDTT and thinking you were so beautiful and put together and intimidating!!! and graceful like I don't know what!!!
and that, dear, was the impression the rest of us have of you. One day you'll catch up!
-Elisabeth

nadinefawell.net said...

You look kinda hot in that skort, methinks. Bet your thighs do too. One day, things will change in your head. Or they won't. Either way, you are gorgeous right here, right now.

treeluvr87 said...

This is a great post! I've also lost four dress sizes and FIFTY POUNDS (!!!!) in the past ten months, but still find it hard to leave that self-hatred behind me at times. This was inspiring :-)

Keep up the awesome work and please keep dancing! I'm right there with you!

Carolynn said...

This post brings to mind my own body image over the years. I've always thought I was a bit on the heavy side (to put it kindly), particularly in the thigh region. So, I can relate. However, every time I look at photos from any point in my life, other than now, I marvel at how slim I look. Huh. Perspective. It's a weird thing. Now, if I could only shed the pounds I've put on since then....it's an endless cycle.