Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm a Believer


Svasti and Marcy were both trying to help me to see something very vital about myself.

I was lost in the literal and the concrete, in psychological texts and concepts.  This is all very helpful, but there is more to me than this brain.  There is something much more powerful that resides in my heart:  My Believer-Self.

Svasti kept reminding me that there is always a pre-trauma self, even if the trauma starts at birth because we are an eternal soul. (I am paraphrasing and putting her ideas into my own language here.) But I kept arguing practicalities with her; I kept insisting on thinking only on this concrete plane, forgetting it is an illusion, it is all temporary, fleeting.

Marcy sat me on the couch during all of this and asked me to think about where and when I have felt safe.

I spoke of my Great Aunt Ardelle, who so clearly saw me.  To the point that I have memories of her and I together and we are literally surrounded by sparks of light.  I remember those sparks of light as being physically present when I was with her.

I spoke of my time in Catholic school for a year and a half.  A time when those nuns and teachers made me feel so safe that I was completely myself in that building.  I had never and would never again be so creative in so many ways.

Through these memories there is a common thread for me (which would take too long to explain): the presence of Mary, a safe and loving mother figure.

Marcy said to me on that couch, "You are a believer.  That is who you are. You can't not be that. It hurts you."

Yes.

Yes.

I had not been spending any time in prayer and meditation with Mary, thinking I had outgrown her somehow.

Not.

Svasti with her yogic wisdom and Marcy with her clear eyes of love reminded me that I do believe there is an essential self that I can re-member that existed even before this incarnation, this manifestation.

A Pre-Trauma Self of the Highest Order...and yes, she is Dancer and always will be.


12 comments:

Linda-Sama said...

"I do believe there is an essential self that I can re-member that existed even before this incarnation, this manifestation."

our problems lie in the fact that the ancient rishis remembered they are divine. we have forgotten.

Christine Claire Reed said...

And I forget every day...until I remember again. :)

Thus meditation or prayer or whatever it takes to get that fact to stick inside our bodies and minds.

Luckily I also have Marcy to continually remind me to work on the remembering. :)

Svasti said...

I can see how Mary makes sense for you - in the same way that Kali makes sense for me. They are essentially the same, but different manifestations. It's all Mother energy. Obviously, your Great Aunt Ardelle embodied that pure Mother energy, too.

As Mark Whitwell would say: "Our direct connection to the nurturing source that is Mother, that is life" (and that's me paraphrasing there).

We all have that, no matter what. It's simply a matter of uncovering and developing our connection to that energy. Also, because in the end, we ARE that energy, too. We aren't separate from it, we just tend to live our lives thinking that we are!

But the more glimpses we get, and the more work we do (dance, yoga, art, singing etc) that helps keep those glimpses coming and with greater frequency, the easier it is to remember. You know what I mean, I'm sure :D

Lisa said...

Beautiful truth and wisdom.

BLESS the Light-bearing souls who are helping you to re-member.

xxx

Heather Plett said...

I have created for myself an image of Sophia (the goddess image that's closest to my heart these days). She is gentle and safe with long flowing hair that she wraps around me when I am afraid - creating a cocoon for me to rest in until I am ready to be strong once more.

I have to admit, it's taking me a long, long time to let go of my patriarchal-only image of God. Given the fact that these god-stories we picked up in childhood are so very hard to let go of, it's not surprising that our self-stories are even harder to let go of.

Peace to you, my friend.

Linnea said...

Wrestling with angels is hard. Wrestling with deities is even harder.

You are lucky to have Marcy. And all of us who read you are lucky to have the parts of you both share on your blogs. Once again, you've written about something I'm struggling with: spiritual identity, only in my case it's having one in a world that on the surface wants to tell you how wrong yours is, whatever you believe.

Jei said...

Remembering is always the issue, it takes practice...constant, daily, hour by hour, minute by minute, sometimes seconds. At times I "remember or stay open" for long stretches of time, but it is so easy to get distracted.

The Girlie-Queue said...

((♥)) "remembering" and "re-membering" (<--thank you for that one) Truly, you *are* a believer.

makeyourselFREE said...

Yes, This eternal self, or soul or whatever you wish to call it is the one I was talking about yesterday when I said that I connect to this part of myself in meditation. As she becomes more and more a part of my conscious awareness I don't feel as unworthy or scared or any of those things I feel when I am in my head and not in my body. Andie

makeyourselFREE said...

Yes, This eternal self, or soul or whatever you wish to call it is the one I was talking about yesterday when I said that I connect to this part of myself in meditation. As she becomes more and more a part of my conscious awareness I don't feel as unworthy or scared or any of those things I feel when I am in my head and not in my body. Andie

makeyourselFREE said...

OOps sorry it went twice

Susan said...

Yes, Christine. This is when my own journey moved to a new place; when I found that thing, that presence, that being that was bigger than me yet I was a part of. And this is where I can go when the dark tries to return to find "me". I'm glad you have found your hope in your own chosen source.