Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I'm a Believer
Svasti and Marcy were both trying to help me to see something very vital about myself.
I was lost in the literal and the concrete, in psychological texts and concepts. This is all very helpful, but there is more to me than this brain. There is something much more powerful that resides in my heart: My Believer-Self.
Svasti kept reminding me that there is always a pre-trauma self, even if the trauma starts at birth because we are an eternal soul. (I am paraphrasing and putting her ideas into my own language here.) But I kept arguing practicalities with her; I kept insisting on thinking only on this concrete plane, forgetting it is an illusion, it is all temporary, fleeting.
Marcy sat me on the couch during all of this and asked me to think about where and when I have felt safe.
I spoke of my Great Aunt Ardelle, who so clearly saw me. To the point that I have memories of her and I together and we are literally surrounded by sparks of light. I remember those sparks of light as being physically present when I was with her.
I spoke of my time in Catholic school for a year and a half. A time when those nuns and teachers made me feel so safe that I was completely myself in that building. I had never and would never again be so creative in so many ways.
Through these memories there is a common thread for me (which would take too long to explain): the presence of Mary, a safe and loving mother figure.
Marcy said to me on that couch, "You are a believer. That is who you are. You can't not be that. It hurts you."
I had not been spending any time in prayer and meditation with Mary, thinking I had outgrown her somehow.
Svasti with her yogic wisdom and Marcy with her clear eyes of love reminded me that I do believe there is an essential self that I can re-member that existed even before this incarnation, this manifestation.
A Pre-Trauma Self of the Highest Order...and yes, she is Dancer and always will be.