Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Light That Dispels All Sorrow

At one point over the last many days, I was feeling especially...negative about the possibility of healing, even in light of the new, more accurate, and more hopeful diagnosis of Complex-PTSD.  I wrote about feeling frustrated about the concept of a pre-trauma self.

Svasti and I had some interesting back and forth in the comments of that post, if you've not seen it.  I was getting additionally frustrated with her take* on it, feeling very stuck in my "what if I can't heal?" panic.

(*Svasti knows she is someone whom I greatly admire. She is one of the kindest, wisest bloggers out there, so don't mistake my frustration for anything about her!)

During all of that, a facebook email came to me from a yoga sutras group, and it reinforced what others were trying to help me to see.

This particular sutra is the Light that dispels all sorrow.  It's about yoga and how it connects us to our essential, bigger-than-this-life selves.

You can replace "yoga" with whatever you big bliss is, and for me, of course, that would be dance.

When the email came, just like Svasti's comments, I wasn't ready for it, but I knew it was important because I starred it and kept it in my inbox.  I kept opening it and reading it.

Finally, I opened it, read it, and smiled.

The smile came thanks to something really vital I re-membered about myself late last week and which I will write about tomorrow.

What in your life dispels the darkness when it descends?


svasti said...

Oh dear sweet Christine,

Your words are too kind, but really, all I could see was the hall of mirrors you had found yourself in at that point. It can be so tricky to get out of that place, and I have been there as you know!

It is all a matter of increments and time. I am certainly still chipping away myself, but I have been in that "what if I can't heal?" world, which is almost as traumatic as anything that's happened to us. And I know that it's not real.

That fear, funnily enough, is almost a safety valve that's trying to keep us from getting ahead of ourselves. Moving on too fast means that stuff can get left behind and remain un-dealt with. And there's a time for that, but right now it's time for you to do more. See more. Understand more.

Then, too, the more time that you spend in the "light that dispels all sorrow", the stronger you will get. You'll see. You're already doing it!

For me, the light is yoga, dancing and my sweet little baby nieces. There's few things like the spontaneity of children to connect you to that place where sorrow does not exist. xo

makeyourselFREE said...

My dearest Christine, What has helped me the most lately is during my meditation connecting to that "undamaged, whole, healthy, not fat, not depressed etc" part of myself that exists. I was actually amazed to find she is in there! The deepest part of me (call it what you will) has not been abused, is not overwhelmed and terrified. Connecting with her even just for a little while allows her to grow and the damaged one to get smaller. Much healing has taken place already and there is so much hope even when you cannot feel it. Finding her has helped me feel it more and more. I want you to know I hear you and I understand. Peace and Love...Andie

Susan said...

Christine....I'm so loving watching you on your journey of self discovery!

Turning the light on....turning on Pandora radio (or Tina Turner or Jay Z:)) to some dance station and cutting loose on my kitchen floor works very well for me:) "Dance like a fool" :)

I also visualize my true self and the desires that are within me. I put to bed the ideas of "who do you think you are" and remind myself that I am "good enough" just because I "am"....just because I exist...with absolutely no justification.

And I talk to myself in the way I would have liked to have been talked to and inspired to reach my potential when I was growing up...."I am a magnificent being, a wonderful person, full of light, love and hope"....etc etc etc:)

Of course some folks find this kind of energy discombobulating as it doesn't quite fit in with "status quo" and social "norms".

Oh well!

Megan Matthieson said...

The more I let in that....it was not about me...(which is so freaking hard because when you are young it's all about you) so I had to take my PRESENT adult mind, and see it FOR the little girl. See that it was not about her. And also SEE HER BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT. Ah! It was always there. Before. During. After. Still.

Jaliya said...

Increments, yes ... and for anyone who has long been in darkness, light can feel like an assault. Darkness (of whatever kind) may have become so familiar that light, as its contrast, is frightening ... I think of my terror of exposure, and a brain-based sensitivity to sensory input -- including light ...

For those of us who have lived in (or as) shadows, it can be terrifying to emerge into fuller presence ...

And there is that light inside us -- If we are alive, it is burning, however dimmed. That's the light that I remind myself of ...

Thanks, Svasti, for yet another reminder of that light ... xoxo

Christine Claire Reed said...

Svasti -- yet again, you nail it: Hall of Mirrors, indeedy!

Andie -- EXCELLENT meditation tool.

Susan -- I am learning the self talk thing bit by bit. I used to just see the whole "inner child" thing as well...silly CRAP. (Hey, I admit when I am WRONG) Now I GET IT. And the self talk is much easier the MORE I get it. :)

Megan -- Yes. Caring for those little parts of ourselves that never were is so crucial.

Jaliya -- I got your WHOLE comment in my email. ;) I will be responding...I need to think about it. Your comment gave me some hints about my own work and I want to process that. :) THANK YOU.

miss miss said...

Sometimes the light is as simple as watching Moonstruck or Finding Nemo or something. Sometimes, I have to get in a car or plane, leave town, go somewhere very green & watery & full of life to remind me that I am part of it, I am alive, I am just as vital and important, yet small - & perfect - as all those living, breathing trees, flowers, algae, bushes, birds, lizards, fish, etc. Meditating. Breathing. Yoga when I make myself go. Life-affirming activities like these take me back to myself. They are all part of The Big Light - that is part of all of us.

miss miss said...

Oh, how could I forget! My dog helps, too!