Monday, August 2, 2010

Sometimes Everything Tastes Like Medicine

(Warning: This is a bit of a Rant & Whine.  We all need these once in a while.)

This is why people choose to stay asleep: it's hard to wake up.  It's uncomfortable. It can be painful.  It's so easy to just keep hitting the freaking snooze.

Like I wrote about last week, the awareness of pain can create more pain.  I believe this is temporary (like anything), but it can get tough.

I had a really tough Friday that had been building for a couple of days before that.

At times like that, suddenly, everything in my life tastes like medicine, feels medicinal.  Nothing is just for the fun of it.

I have to dance and move and do yoga...because it grounds me and gets rid of toxins.

I have to eat right...or I have no energy for the movement work that I have to do.

I have to sleep right...or I can't think straight the next day and watch out!

I need to spend time in prayer and meditation...or I become scattered and start to float away from myself.

You get the idea.

Everything I do is to help me Keep It Together.

All of these things are also the things that I love to do.

Here's where I get angry (and rightfully so):  I could just savor this stuff; I could just freaking ENJOY MY LIFE and have a most fan-damn-tastic life, at that, but I have to really work at what comes quite naturally to many humans.

For whatever reason...

I know that injuries can also be gifts.  I know that what I have been through has also made me who I am.

But what really, really pisses me off:  Child abuse changes who that little baby girl was born to be.  Then she has to fight damn hard to get back to that.


Sue said...

Hi there Christine,

I know EXACTLY what you mean, having been there myself. I feel so often like I have to make myself do the things I love to do. It's a painful sort of experience.

There is greater healing to come for you. You are a brave soul. You keep walking where you need to walk, and you keep facing what you need to face. I know this because I have been reading your blog for a while now, even though I don't know you in person. You can *smell* other people's courage.

Now go and take a bath and look after that little girl :)

Anonymous said...

I'm having the worst time with this. It took me my whole life to find a solution to my mental condition. Now I finally have it and I can't make myself do what I need to do. And they're all stuff I LOVE to do and want my life to be about. It makes no sense to me. The huge difference for me is I have absolutely no emotional support and I never have. This matters despite the fact that I try for it not to. You're very lucky to have Marcy.

katlyn basilone, cmt said...

hi there, lovey.
all i can say is from everything i've gone through as well, you have to keep your eye on the prize. play the person that you want to be as a role, like an actor. you have to fake it til you make it. there's a reason you've heard that phrase before. i used to be an exceedingly angry person a decade ago. most times i was too weak to know i was doing it, but i kept my eye on the prize, never giving up on the way i was going to be someday. i read books on how to make change. i keep in mind that it is never easy, and i congratulate myself for not stopping and giving up on myself anymore. i see hardships as things that are definitely not infinitely huge anymore. i return to challenges i have faced and triumphed from to give me perspective. this won't last forever; it never does, unless i stop believing. you cultivate who you are through the tiniest of actions everyday. i love you and thank the universe for purging my old lives with me so that i can live this one with friends like you. we all struggle and that's what makes us beautiful. if we didn't have enough challenges, we'd add more (like free massage week!) some are one's that make us grow and some we have to let go. come join me in the clouds. take that little girl and dance with her! you shine, my lovely, just the way you are.

cypress sun said...

you're doing the hard work that many of us would rather sweep under the rug..and never speak of.

off to do some yoga & light a candle for you. :)

brie'ann said...

As always, I love reading your blog.
I was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager, and I have PTSD.
Doing yoga, drinking green smoothies, mowing on kale, working, reading, making time for friends and family (the thing I love) are so hard for me sometime! I know what you are describing.
I was doing yoga today, and for the first 20 minutes or so, I wanted to stop, but I knew I could push through. It's the wall that we push that makes us happy, right? Knock it down girl! (That's what i kept saying to myself)
I just read this autobiography written by a girl whom recovered from BPD (and she obviously has PTSD) Although she is not the most gifted author, I still really enjoyed reading about her experiences in therapy and breaking down the walls around her. It's called, 'Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder' by Rachel Reiland.
Whenever I am stressed, but I am doing the right thing (doing things that I know help to ground me) something from the Raviana DVD's comes to my mind, "No test; No progress"
Have a fantastic week beautiful! :)

Michelle Myhre said...

Sending you love. We all need the snooze button sometimes. Big love. Thanks for keeping it real.

Michelle Myhre said...

Sending you love. We all need the snooze button sometimes. Big love. Thanks for keeping it real.

christine said...