Monday, August 9, 2010
This Pain in My Ass that is Chronic Fear & Anxiety
(Title + Photo = Weird Juxtaposition but oh, well...)
I am not back to daily blogging by any means, but I wanted to write a "what's up" type of post.
I recently wrote about the awareness of pain and that continues to be the thesis of my daily life -- the recognizing of what I have been living with in this body for many decades. The feeling of it. The noticing of it.
Layer upon layer of noticing. (And I thought I was a fairly awake kind of person so there is this added layer of "what the...")
The newest thing I am recognizing is the pervasiveness of fear and anxiety in my life. Like pervasive as in "never goes away."
Anxiety and fear may simmer at low but they are never just gone.
Around every corner -- whether literal or in my mind -- there are threats to be negotiated.
What a way to live! Sometimes I don't know how I have managed thus far (oh! Hello, repression).
Though Marcy would argue that I was born this way (and not because of genetics or biochemistry but because of some things that happened while I was in the womb), I would say that at the very latest, this manifested by the age of four, when I heard someone's life being threatened. No more details necessary.
This was a key moment in my little life. At the time, I stood up and left the room in which I was sitting, thinking to myself that that was something I should not have heard. This memory is crystal clear to me.
So when I say I suffer from chronic anxiety that is the moment it was born.
I am researching natural remedies, though Marcy is actually encouraging a temporary usage of a pharmaceutical. I do not favor this at all, as any regular reader knows.
In the meantime, yoga, dance, breathing...all of that and more but I am still this little person walking around with continual fireworks going off inside.
It hurts. It sucks. I am sick of it.
(Do not mistake that for despair or depression or giving up. I do not and will not give up. It is my nature to keep learning and keep going. Period. But for the first time, I am admitting how very hard this has been.)