Thursday, September 16, 2010
A Whispered Yes
(NOTE: Please. I am not, as I have said before, writing this material so you can say, "Poor thing..." I am writing in as transparent a way as possible so that others who are suffering can see they are not alone. That even this person who writes blisschick, who loves her life, who has dance and yoga and music and cats and rabbits and a wonderful partner and friends...even this person is still struggling and some days, some weeks are way harder than others. This does not, though, exclude the possibility of Daily Joy.)
This was a temporary tattoo that Marcy put on the inside of my left wrist a few weeks ago, and it's the tattoo that I really should get first, if I am going to ever take that permanent step.
I need this reminder daily, if not sometimes hourly...if not sometimes every second.
On Sunday, when I taught the Kundalini class that I talked about in the previous post, one of two messages I "received" toward the end of class, during some meditative time, was that I must dance and do yoga every minute that I physically can afford.
I was shown a flash of red shoes and told, for me, they were not a path to insanity but to sanity and joy.
It was in that shortcut-y way that your subconscious can send you messages. At least, that is how my subconscious can work.
When I got this message, I knew with my whole being that it was Truth. For now. Like, maybe, I need to treat my physical work like this for a few months or maybe a year or maybe for the rest of my life. The larger point is that I know of and possess the Key to my own Healthy & Happiness (of every single sort).
Then on Wednesday I went to Mass for a Marian Feast Day -- Our Lady of Sorrows to be precise. The young priest was marvelous and spoke of my favorite thing about Mary -- that resounding YES that she answers even in light of the sorrows to come.
And yet, my NO has been so strong lately and with that comes some shame...which is not helpful in the least.
Have I heeded that vision from Kundalini class? No.
Do I use that Key? No.
My head is full of anger and sadness and stories. Story after story. I am aware of them; that is a big step, yes. BUT...But...they are still there and they are persistent like the waves at our Lake's beaches, washing away the shoreline that we replenish Spring after Spring only to have it eroded again and again.
They are awful stories.
There are a lot of them right now about my body. I look at my healthy, beautiful body and canNOT see her for herself. I see imperfections, flaws, fat.
I tell myself, "This is part of your illness...this is not real..."
Yet they continue.
There are stories about my lack of success; there are stories about the usual suspects -- lazy, stupid, etc.; there are stories about getting older. On and on and on...
I am sure some of these are also yours and I am sure you have many of your own.
It is Autumn here. I love Autumn. I love the temperatures and the towering clouds and the way the Lake turns to a deeper and darker blue after so many months of being washed out by the summer sun. I love the smells and I love the cuddling and I love the candles and I even have come to love the dark. I love Halloween and the Day of the Dead and there is my birthday in late November...
I love the leaves and their crunch under my feet.
But with that crunch and with the rest of it, something dark and deep is unlocked within my brain every year at this time. Some of the worst things that have ever happened to me happened at the time of leaf crunching.
I am transported to a time of great fear by a sound which I absolutely love.
It gets confusing in this heart of mine at this time of year.
All of this...the red shoes, the key, the stories, the leaves, the good, the bad...it is all a part of me right at this moment. At all moments, yes, but right now, my defenses are a bit worn.
Tonight, I will teach Kundalini again...and I will remain, as always, optimistic and open hearted to the possibility of the Greater Knowing that can come with doing what we are meant to do.
Though I can feel beaten down, the optimism has always remained.
And I, ultimately, have always, every time, chosen that YES.