Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Whispered Yes


(NOTE: Please. I am not, as I have said before, writing this material so you can say, "Poor thing..."  I am writing in as transparent a way as possible so that others who are suffering can see they are not alone.  That even this person who writes blisschick, who loves her life, who has dance and yoga and music and cats and rabbits and a wonderful partner and friends...even this person is still struggling and some days, some weeks are way harder than others.  This does not, though, exclude the possibility of Daily Joy.)

This was a temporary tattoo that Marcy put on the inside of my left wrist a few weeks ago, and it's the tattoo that I really should get first, if I am going to ever take that permanent step.

I need this reminder daily, if not sometimes hourly...if not sometimes every second.

On Sunday, when I taught the Kundalini class that I talked about in the previous post, one of two messages I "received" toward the end of class, during some meditative time, was that I must dance and do yoga every minute that I physically can afford.

I was shown a flash of red shoes and told, for me, they were not a path to insanity but to sanity and joy.

It was in that shortcut-y way that your subconscious can send you messages.  At least, that is how my subconscious can work.

When I got this message, I knew with my whole being that it was Truth.  For now.  Like, maybe, I need to treat my physical work like this for a few months or maybe a year or maybe for the rest of my life.  The larger point is that I know of and possess the Key to my own Healthy & Happiness (of every single sort).

Then on Wednesday I went to Mass for a Marian Feast Day -- Our Lady of Sorrows to be precise.  The young priest was marvelous and spoke of my favorite thing about Mary -- that resounding YES that she answers even in light of the sorrows to come.

And yet, my NO has been so strong lately and with that comes some shame...which is not helpful in the least.

Have I heeded that vision from Kundalini class?  No.

Do I use that Key?  No.

Instead...

My head is full of anger and sadness and stories.  Story after story.  I am aware of them; that is a big step, yes.  BUT...But...they are still there and they are persistent like the waves at our Lake's beaches, washing away the shoreline that we replenish Spring after Spring only to have it eroded again and again.

They are awful stories.

There are a lot of them right now about my body.  I look at my healthy, beautiful body and canNOT see her for herself.  I see imperfections, flaws, fat.

I tell myself, "This is part of your illness...this is not real..."

Yet they continue.

There are stories about my lack of success; there are stories about the usual suspects -- lazy, stupid, etc.; there are stories about getting older.  On and on and on...

I am sure some of these are also yours and I am sure you have many of your own.

It is Autumn here.  I love Autumn.  I love the temperatures and the towering clouds and the way the Lake turns to a deeper and darker blue after so many months of being washed out by the summer sun.  I love the smells and I love the cuddling and I love the candles and I even have come to love the dark.  I love Halloween and the Day of the Dead and there is my birthday in late November...

I love the leaves and their crunch under my feet.

But with that crunch and with the rest of it, something dark and deep is unlocked within my brain every year at this time. Some of the worst things that have ever happened to me happened at the time of leaf crunching.

I am transported to a time of great fear by a sound which I absolutely love.

It gets confusing in this heart of mine at this time of year.

All of this...the red shoes, the key, the stories, the leaves, the good, the bad...it is all a part of me right at this moment.  At all moments, yes, but right now, my defenses are a bit worn.

Tonight, I will teach Kundalini again...and I will remain, as always, optimistic and open hearted to the possibility of the Greater Knowing that can come with doing what we are meant to do.

Though I can feel beaten down, the optimism has always remained.

And I, ultimately, have always, every time, chosen that YES.

8 comments:

Deborah Carr said...

I think that there are some things that we cannot deal with on our own. Those old stories cannot be shuffled aside or dispensed with logic, with dance, with exercise nor can they be masked with forced joy or reasoning. I think they have to be brought forward, voiced, given shape and form and air and light...because they are scariest when they are hidden in the shadows.

It seems as though you may be starting to do this for yourself. I hope you can reclaim your autumn...for the beautiful things it means to You.

Christine Claire Reed said...

Actually, I have about 40 handwritten journals filled with story. I've been working on that aspect since...well forever, and I'm now 41 years old.

According to the most cutting edge thinking surround trauma like mine (and so many), DANCING and yoga is EXACTLY what is needed to go the next step -- to get RID OF the known stories, as they are trapped, quite literally, in our bodies.

Talk therapy is proving (in isolation) to be not nearly as efficacious as somatic therapies.

As someone with Complex PTSD, there will very likely always be triggers. And they have gotten better over the years...

erin said...

the mind forgets, but the body doesn't, which is precisely why yoga works for me. I don't have to natter on and process out loud to someone else(which yes, some of that is beneficial). Yoga, dance, what have you, allows you to turn that chatter off, and get out of the mind. Because there are other parts of our body dying to talk right? We give so much credit to the mind and brain, but forget other forms of expression. And I think when we give other parts a chance to sing, a different perspective emerges. "you are definitely not your diagnosis" is a common theme with yoga that has rung true for me again and again.

svasti said...

I don't believe anyone thinks you're writing these things from a "poor me" perspective. I do know that it's hard to feel okay about showing your weaknesses, though. And it's hard to think of how other people might react. But generally, I've found most will be supportive of such revelations.

Getting into the flow of things does allow us to receive such messages, and thank goodness for them!

You know, as difficult as it can be dealing with those unfair and untrue stories we carry, they teach us things, even as they torment us.

Eventually we learn to see their fakeness. We learn to look outside the boundaries they try to create for us, keeping us living "small". We see the evidence that things aren't really the way they want us to believe. Those stories.

But they don't give up straight away. Because I think they represent and give voice to the fears of that perennial little girl inside of us. The one who cries all of the time because she feels unseen and unheard. She is the receptacle for all the traumatic things we've lived through and she wants to be held. To be told that things are going to get better.

In fact, all of this has just prompted me about an experience I had on a zen retreat earlier this year. It's something I really must write up, because it was me dealing with my own little girl. And man, did we end up rocking it! She and I know how to work together now, much more than we did before.

Time to end this ramble. You WILL get there.

But - perhaps consider some type of therapy like kinesiology or EMDR. Something that can give you a boost at this point. It might be the leg up you need right now.

xo

Laura said...

...and knowing all of this, seeing it, feeling it, opening to it in this moment is enough. You are enough as you are right now Christine. You are in exactly the place in your life, in your body, in your relationship with your body and life that you are supposed to be in TODAY. And tomorrow it all may be a bit different, or perhaps in the very next breath your perspective will shift. Love what is. Right now. Even the painful stuff. Learn, grow, and be tender with your fearful-grateful-strong-beautiful-generous heart.

Kimberley said...

Yes, oh yes! I also have written, voiced, and had plenty of catharsis and action taken around my past trauma. And that was all part of what I needed to do.

But now my body need to release what it has stored and yoga is making all the difference for me. Even with the dark moments that still come, I have never felt as alive and well as I do right now.

Thank you for sharing so honestly and with such grace.

Carolyn said...

I love your honesty. I have been struggling with some bad stories in my head lately, too. They haven't come up in such a long time - it's scary.

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