Wednesday, September 1, 2010
WHERE Did I Put My Head!?
After months of agonizing and then some time spent just patiently waiting, I finally got the name for my "business" and then the logo came to me during a prayer/meditation session with Mary. I think this image speaks volumes to people immediately. I am pleased.
After it came to me, I went right to work on brochures and posters and all of that, feeling pretty darn energized by the "rightness" of it all.
Then I seemed to misplace my Head.
This always happens. I start to feel some momentum and then it stops. It just Stops.
There are various ways it stops.
Usually, I do something to put a roadblock in my way.
This time, I took on some college composition teaching at the very last minute. I only had about three days to get ready to teach a subject I had not taught in many years. Three days to come up with a theme and create a calendar and get started on assignments. Three days also to get all the security for the school I am teaching at, which is a bit like Fort Knox. (I am teaching at the local campus of my Alma Mater.)
And now we are in the second week of the semester already and I am exhausted. Ex. Hausted.
The stress was huge.
The story that I started to tell myself, though, is more dangerous (and more exhausting) than the stress.
I started to tell myself that I had somehow gotten way off track, that I was lost, that I was confused, that I was not living the life I wanted to be living.
On my first day of class, on the drive over to the campus, which is outside our small city, I was almost to the school, when out of nowhere a huge Red Tail Hawk swept down in front of the car.
The Red Tail is one of my life totems and he was there to remind me of something I was forgetting.
He was saying, "Um, HELLO!?" (He's a smart ass.) "Um, yeah, remember the BIG PICTURE!?! Hello!? You took on THIS teaching to specifically support your dancing and teaching dreams!! This is money for trainings or for advertising or for SPACE!! Get a freaking grip!"
Oh, right, thanks, Giant (smart ass) Bird.
It also turns out that I am still very good at this teaching college comp thing. And that my students are rather...wonderful (unexpectedly!).
((Picking up my head and putting it back on))
Story telling...it can get in the way.
Or not. Here's the new (and TRUE) story: I am teaching college comp because I am good at it and it comes naturally to me and so I don't have to totally angst over it and it can provide me with these other opportunities to expand my "real" work -- dancing and yoga and teaching dance and yoga and creating new methods to help other sufferers of Complex PTSD to reunite with their bodies and their most fulfilled lives.
THAT is worth the doing, I would say.