Thursday, October 14, 2010

Fear Sucks (the Air from Your Lungs)

Facing your fears can kinda suck.

Sure it's necessary for growth, blah blah blah...but it still sucks.  It's painful.  It's...scary.  And it can feel like it will never end while it is happening.

While Marcy has been away, I have been forced, as I have mentioned, to work with Big Demons -- by myself.  Which is good.  Right?

I spend a lot of time walking around with fear in my belly.  I breathe deeply; I do all the right things and it can still be there.  This slightly nauseous feeling.  This dread.

I've had some really good days.  Better than my good days from before going through this, but then the fears come back because they tend to be like the bad guy in the Matrix -- they can self-replicate.  You think you've defeated them and you walk around feeling all proud of your emotional jujitsu and then you turn a corner and there they are again.  Baring their teeth at you.

Last Friday evening, I had an amazing reiki session with a local practitioner (and for a great reiki practitioner's blog, go here).

I respond really well to reiki, but I have definitely had some mediocre sessions.  I have also had some great sessions, and this session was AMAZING.

I felt wave after wave of fear and anxiety draining out of my body.  Later that night, I slept through the night for the first time since Marcy had left for Italy, and I am still sleeping so much better.

Then on Tuesday, I had nightmares.  Who knows where they come from?!  I certainly don't call on them and I don't feed my brain scary media anymore.

When I got up Wednesday morning, my Fear Belly was back.

This is an opportunity for me to practice some of the new self care skills I am working on but what?

It can be hard to find the light switch when you're standing in the middle of a dark room.

Taking a deep breath, I start running my hands along the walls...


Lori-Lyn said...

You're not alone.
(& thank you.)

Melissa said...

I always try to notice that fear and total excitement can physically feel so similar. Then I view what I fear as exciting.

svasti said...

First up: LOVE the new look of your site!

Also: I know I've been out of touch, but things have been a little weird here for me recently. I'm resurfacing again though, so I'm coming 'round to read everyone's posts! :)

And about this post: I don't know if Fear Belly ever goes away. But I think we learn to recognise it as a sign to start paying attention to stuff. Eventually it no longer cripples us, but empowers us.

So, as scary as it can be, it's good to go 'round the walls of the dark room and get real acquainted with the whole scenario. You know?