Thursday, January 27, 2011

On Being Vulnerable


I've written before about not being a fan of Public Displays of Emotion and having that challenged during my yoga dance teacher training. This is something I've been working on for a long time. Sure, everyone needs their own boundaries, but there is also something to be said for being...human.

The other day I was having a bad one -- day, that is.  I was experiencing some deep darkness around my fear of abandonment and my main protections were coming out, causing me to be angry and fight-y with Marcy.

And I had to teach yoga dance.  This practice that is about nothing if not joy.

I didn't know how I could do it, but I knew I would because that's what I do: I buck up.

My normal method of dealing with a situation like this is to swallow it all down.  Shove it into an even deeper place.

But I am trying to change these non-grow-y patterns, these patterns that only create more stuck and prevent me from being as shiny as I am meant to be (as we are all meant to be).

So instead of acting like I was fine and just teaching and getting on with it, I did something completely opposite of what I wanted to do: I shared.

I shared my pain. I told my class that I was having this super hard day and that I was dealing with some truly ugly demons that I was no longer willing to hide.  And yes, there were a few tears, which kinda pissed me off because that's what they do, but I breathed deeply and continued and tried my hardest to accept the love (in word and in witness) that was being offered to me.

Then I went on to teach one of the best, most-opening-for-my-students class ever.

Go figure.

4 comments:

svasti said...

The things we resist the most... saying the stuff that's hard and/or just generally resisting/avoiding... the more we do it, the harder it gets.

But the moment we stop resisting and just go with it, well, look what happens! Empowering doesn't quite cover it, does it?

(Now, if only I could remember those things every single time, eh?)

LauraX said...

Christine, this is incredible healing and growth for you and a huge gift for your students as well because authenticity is power. When you allow your self to be seen, to be known, then you are teaching them that it is safe for them to do the same...to shine. Tears are golden rivulets, their flow increases our strength and signifies to others that we are real, and that their humanity is of great value too.

Lisa said...

Excellent!

I ditto what both Svasti and LauraX said.

Thanks for sharing this valuable experience with us. :)

Heather Plett said...

Brave. And wise. And a lesson I have to keep re-learning. Unfortunately, it's a hard lesson to remember when you've got too many memories of the times you've put yourself out there and been hurt.