Thursday, January 27, 2011
On Being Vulnerable
I've written before about not being a fan of Public Displays of Emotion and having that challenged during my yoga dance teacher training. This is something I've been working on for a long time. Sure, everyone needs their own boundaries, but there is also something to be said for being...human.
The other day I was having a bad one -- day, that is. I was experiencing some deep darkness around my fear of abandonment and my main protections were coming out, causing me to be angry and fight-y with Marcy.
And I had to teach yoga dance. This practice that is about nothing if not joy.
I didn't know how I could do it, but I knew I would because that's what I do: I buck up.
My normal method of dealing with a situation like this is to swallow it all down. Shove it into an even deeper place.
But I am trying to change these non-grow-y patterns, these patterns that only create more stuck and prevent me from being as shiny as I am meant to be (as we are all meant to be).
So instead of acting like I was fine and just teaching and getting on with it, I did something completely opposite of what I wanted to do: I shared.
I shared my pain. I told my class that I was having this super hard day and that I was dealing with some truly ugly demons that I was no longer willing to hide. And yes, there were a few tears, which kinda pissed me off because that's what they do, but I breathed deeply and continued and tried my hardest to accept the love (in word and in witness) that was being offered to me.
Then I went on to teach one of the best, most-opening-for-my-students class ever.