|Daisy and Toby|
I am recovering from a kick-my-ass flu. I rarely get sick, and this time, my body decided it was time for me to be knocked down, so that I might get some real rest.
It is no wonder that I caught this bug. My stress levels have been at all time highs. All my own doing.
Struggling with chronic depression and anxiety disorders can get ugly, obviously, but lately, it has been the ugliest. I am only writing now, because I am definitely seeing the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
And, of course, I have learned so much, but...I do not wish to go back -- ever -- to this particular school.
Here's something BIG that I have figured out: If you suffer from chronic mental health issues, you are of two minds. There is Sick Mind, a deeply embedded set of patterns and habits.
If you are still alive, though, somewhere in there is Healthy Mind, constantly trying to get your attention, constantly begging to be chosen over Sick Mind.
Dancing, yoga, eating right, getting enough sleep...all of it...the real reason for it is to feed this Healthy Mind, to make her strong enough to finally eclipse Sick Mind.
Here's the really hard part and this will piss some people off (just a couple weeks ago, that would have included me): This is all a choice.
A speaker from a local mental health organization came to the library once. He and a patient both discussed the fact that no matter how "crazy" someone seems, somewhere in there, they are making choices about their behavior.
It's hard to admit this about ourselves: we are choosing.
Lying in bed all day, crying, instead of getting up to take a walk? That is a choice.
Yelling at your loved one instead of simply discussing your pain? That is a choice.
Not living the beautiful, gift-filled, love-filled life you are meant for? A choice.
Always there is a choice to be made.
There are reasons, for sure, that we have made bad choices. We were hurt; our inner resources were not nurtured; love was not a priority.
But once you see these Two Minds, there is no longer any excuse. Healthy Mind is calling, yelling, begging.
Time to get moving...