Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Up & Down, Up & Down, Up & Down, Up...



Yesterday my FiloFax informed me that I was meant to spend the day building my new website.  It has taken me weeks to make a final decision regarding its name and how to organize its content, and I was finally ready to get moving!

But alas...sometimes your brain decides things for you, and when I woke up Tuesday morning, it was from yet another night of awful dreams and I felt like I had been hit (mentally) by a Train of Ick.

Tuesday was to be one of "those days." Marcy reminds me often that I can have all the plans in the world, but that I must have, above all, self-compassion because some days...some days, it is all I can do to get myself together, to care for myself, to put the pieces back together in some sort of order so I don't completely fall down.

Normally, this just pisses me off.  (Anger is my default response to disappointment.)

I did teeter around that particular cliff for a wee bit in the morning.

But as I have written about, we may feel badly but we have a choice about our response to those feelings; we have a choice about our actions, including whether or not we choose to do depression or despair or anxiety.

And since I hit my darkest, deepest, most final bottom a few weeks ago (something I have not yet written about and may never), I have pledged to myself that I will choose better. I was changed at my core in that moment that I touched down and I refuse to get even a bit close to that destructive ugliness ever again.  Period.  It is a choice.

(Though I must note here that hitting bottom seems to be a necessity for real change. They always say this about addicts, and I've never so totally understood it until it happened to me.  It is that Ultimate Fall into Shadow, and from there, redemption really is possible, but we must reach for it, and that is what "programs" like A.A. are for. What does this have to do with mental health problems, you ask? It is becoming clearer and clearer that the depressed or anxious brain is very like the addicted brain, and that it can be helped in much the same ways.)

A choice. I talk this talk so much in my classes and in my writing, and I must also walk the walk.  A choice.  I kept teetering, but as I looked over the edge, I knew I would walk away, and I did, even though I did not feel like it...

Even though I did not feel like it (to the point of physical pain), I forced myself to light candles to Mary and to pray a litany...

Even though I did not feel like it, I then proceeded to practice the So Darshan Chakra Kriya that Ana Brett has suggested to me as a bad dream remedy...

Even though I did not feel like it, I ate my morning egg (fat for the brain!) and drank my morning juice...

Even though I did not feel like it and even though my Sick Mind would have rather that I tried to accomplish my goals and fail so that I might have some stick with which to beat myself...even though I would rather have given into bad, old habits because those are what feel easiest...even though I would rather have wallowed or yelled or done anything other than do what would make me feel better...

I spent the rest of my day resting, reading inspirational works, writing in my journal, petting animals, and finally, in the evening, teaching my Kundalini yoga class, after which, sigh, all was well.

Just like my favorite prayer says: All shall be well, all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. (Julian of Norwich)

Even when we don't really feel like it...


1 comment:

Brenda said...

Dear Christine,
i think you are brave to have shared this post.
I thank you. Surely, if you can do what is contrary to destructive feelings, then I can, too. And, if I can, than you can, too.
we are all in this wondrous strange world together.
I thought I would respond to your courageous post with a courageous comment.
I love the quote.