Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Blind as a Bat = Happy as a Lark
The other day in a Kundalini yoga class, I was putting people through a visual meditation, and I got something myself, which is rare. It was a wall surrounding me, but it was an old, old wall, crumbling, with trees and flowers and mosses starting to grow over and around and out of it. It was lovely.
Those bits of wall that were intact, though, can cause me troubles. Those old crumbling bits are made of my emotional injuries, and I can be blind sided, startled by the fact that I can trip over them, have really rough days. I have found so much joy in my life that I expect there to be no more of the depression left in me. No more of the body image crap. And then...there it is!
I am in a Nia class as a student (something I really enjoy being at least once a week). I am having fun. I am wearing shorter pants due to the weather. I look in the mirror and realize that I am obsessing over my thighs. They appear, to me, to be the size of elephant thighs. They are grotesque. I want to leave. I cannot bear the sight of them.
After all this time, one thing I do know now is what is happening when I see things like this in the mirror. Just a few years ago, you could not have convinced me that it was an illusion, but now I know it is my brain playing tricks on me. That does not necessarily make it easier to tolerate, but it does mean that I am now ready to pull out whatever sword I need to defeat the little f'er.
Instead of panicking and leaving the class, I took a quick walk around the track right outside the studio to try to calm myself. When I walked back in the room, I knew what to do: I took off my glasses.
I am quite blind and this eliminated seeing myself as more than a colorful, moving object in the mirror, and it allowed me to sink back into the experience of healing dance.
At some point in the coming days, I will look in the mirror and see myself for real and I will know I made it through this brain craposity. It happens like that -- snap! here is the body dysmorphia and then snap! it is gone.
For now, watch out if you see me in a class without my glasses...I may run right into you but at least I will be smiling.