Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Life is Not a Pie or How Fear Creates Scarcity
(One of the many houses located here which remind me of a cake...mmmm...)
(Beware: Post filled with large number of metaphors.)
I have written before of my realization that I see love as a pie. You know, that if someone else gets a piece of love pie then that diminishes my piece of love pie. But unconditional love, I am finally figuring out, is infinite in nature. More like Pi than Pie.
(My favorite actual pie is graham cracker cream...yum...but I am also fond of cherry pie and apple pie and pecan pie...and now I am off track...)
A few days ago, as I was unearthing yet more fears (which is part of why this work is so damn hard; it never seems to end), I realized that I not only see love as finite pie but I see all components of life that way.
I realized that besides the fact that holding onto irrational (and rational, for that matter) fears was creating physical exhaustion, it also turns out that I am totally always and forever competing in absolutely every way possible (too many adverbs there but they serve a purpose). No wonder I am worn out at the end of the day; no wonder I wake up tired!
I realized that I see everything as competition because I fear there is only so much happiness/success/wealth/fulfillment/beauty/peace/calm/friendship/etc. to go around.
Pie. You see? Only so many pieces. Only so many plates.
When you are raised in an environment where distribution of positive attention and love seems to be dependent upon, well, every single thing about you being just right, good enough, perfect, you can imagine that life starts to feel like a big race where you have not been told the course or how long it goes or the rules. All you know is that there is some sort of prize that you are craving and you have to try to get it.
The other thing you know is that even if you get a glimpse of said prize, that glimpse is fleeting. And off you go again! Running, jumping, frantic, frenzied...
Eventually every single thing feels like this. So a simple conversation on twitter, for example, starts to seem way too important. Being right or being perceived as right or at least being perceived as "not wrong" or not stupid becomes disproportionately important to your sense of self.
You also start to get a little buzz from it all. You know...the adrenaline of it. Even though it makes you feel a little sick, you are used to it. It is what you know. It is how you feel alive a lot of the time.
Yet you know from past experience that this whole thing is like the Wizard of Oz and that behind that curtain, at the end of the race, there is...nothing.
You have been lied to. Good enough, just right, and perfect do not actually exist. Nope. The designer of this race was just messin' with you, seeing how fast you would run and for how long or just enjoying the sight of you trying so freaking hard.
This is just downright confusing to those us of raised on this golden path...that it leads to nowhere and to nothing? How can this be?
Here is the Big Point: the thing that really doesn't exist is the competition.
There is enough for everyone.
We can all find exactly what our heart desires at the end of the path, because, of course, it is of our own making.
But we were raised powerless, thinking the Wizard was in charge and held the prize, and letting go of that illusion, letting go of the panic and the feeling of scarcity, this is some of the hardest work I have done to date. Understanding that all of us can be happy and all of us can have fulfillment? All of us can get a piece of an infinite pie and it can be any pie we want.
Wizard be damned. He was/is not the baker after all.