Monday, June 13, 2011

On Tiredness & Trauma


My post on being sleepy generated, of course, lots of wonderful advice about vitamins and food and other techniques. I really do appreciate all of this. Know, though, that I utilize much of it and have tried nearly all of it. I am a researcher by nature and a problem solver, so no stones go unturned (to an obsessive level of curiosity).

That said...

I can sleep...the real issue is the bad dreams. It makes for poor sleep and it makes for waking up spent due to experienced trauma while sleeping.

This is a trauma issue (which is why I linked to this old post in that new one; it's the most important piece of this puzzle).

Trauma, of course, creates physiological issues, so something like calcium before bed (which I often take) can help me to fall asleep and stay asleep, but it does nothing to stop the dreams and the tossing and turning and the basic nighttime anxiety.

Things like prayer and singing bowls help with that, for sure, but not all the time, because this is such a complex cocktail of ick.  (I highly recommend the work of this man; he is a rockin', amazing ninja of a helper, and I am listening to him as I write this.)

This is why ABUSE is SO FREAKING AWFUL. Obviously abuse is awful for a million reasons, but above all, it CHANGES WHO YOU WERE BORN TO BE because it effs up the most basic things about your body and brain and heart.

This is not to say there isn't a way out, but it can be very frustrating and sometimes crying on the stoop is all you can do.

Then you get up off the stoop, brush off your skirt, and get back to work, knowing that this is your work...that this takes constant effort...that there is no letting up or taking time off...that tired is part of the package for right now and too bad. Things happened, things are done, the consequences are still here, but I have a beautiful life and it will only keep getting more beautiful...as long as crying on the steps does not become my primary activity.

Courage. Tenacity. Strength. Constant Effort.  Those are my main vitamins in this battle.

5 comments:

Emma said...

I just read both posts and I really empathize! My sleep has improved a million percent over the past handful of years, but it's still crappy.

Some years ago, I had my first night where I slept without waking up once until morning. I was kind of freaked out when I woke up, because it was like I'd been abducted by aliens and lost time. It was bizarre! I *always* wake up a bunch of times during the night.

Add to that having stressful dreams every night and...ugh.

Poor quality sleep sucks.

Brija said...

I really feel for you suffering like this. I don't have PTSD but my depression means that some nights it seems like I have no proper sleep at all, just dreams dreams dreams and I wake up exhausted. I can go to bed feeling fine and wake up sad like something's conspiring in my head to not let me have any rest or peace. It is like my brain has been changed by this.
I really hope for all our sake's that the good we do for ourselves in the daytime will have a lasting effect at night one day, heal our brains and we can all sleep well.

claire said...

Courage. Tenacity. Strength. Constant Effort. Those are my main vitamins in this battle.

Oooh, you remind me of something St Paul wrote about perseverance (just googled: Romans 5:3-5).

You're cool ♥ and quite a woman ♥

Brava!

becomingable said...

I've recently found your blog and have been reading through old posts. Your strength and perseverance is inspirational, and your honesty and willingness to share not just the positives in your struggle with complex PTSD, but the difficulties too (like trauma-related sleep deprivation, which I can relate to on so very many levels!) is something I respect and admire.

I'll keep coming back. And...thank you for being here.

Anonymous said...

love you. i know this is yet another opinion/idea haha. but i read that calcium supplements actually create bad calcium buildup in your body (calcification of joints, and on a cellular level). just thought id put that out there. haha i know its like... so many different views, but something to research/.think about