Thursday, June 16, 2011

A Pain in My Butt is Making Me Happy or My Energy Paradox

(Sunset at Chautauqua)

My butt hurts.

I am sitting here typing and I cannot get comfortable because my ass aches. And my upper thighs. And around my hips.

And it makes me happy.

Back up.  (Beep beep beep...ha!)

When I went to study for a week with the internationally known and respected Butoh artist Maureen Fleming, some of my biggest lessons from her were not about dance or movement per say (though there were plenty of lessons in those categories).  Some of the biggest lessons were more personal...about they WHY of this creative life and the HOW of the dailiness of it.

Something that really stuck with me was how Maureen became this Maureen.  She was told that she would eventually be paralyzed and never dance again, and her work then became figuring out how to make that not true. Which she did. So dancing and moving every single day, for her, is a matter of, literally, keeping herself moving.  (And watch this to see how far she took it and continues to take it...)

Speaking of dance being a life and death thing... (what a smoooooottthhhh transition...not!)...

Last week, as I wrote about here, I was complaining about always being tired. And as I said, there is reason for this. When you've barely slept deeply since you were about 4, you have issues with sleep. Period.

As Marcy sat with me on the steps, she gently, after I was done with the crying drama, reminded me that this is why I have to push myself to dance more, not less.  When I get this bone tired, I think I have to "rest" and I think "rest" means to sit still.

This is where the "Powering through" and Big Girl Pants comes in.  Marcy is right (or "sometimes always right" as she likes to say).

I must push myself to expend more energy and then I will sleep better and deeper with fewer bad dreams and have more energy.  There is no sweet and easy way about this.

I must push. Period.

At first this will be hard, but then it will get easier.

For me to be balanced is not the same as for you or her or him being balanced, you see. For me to be balanced, I have to move move move as much as I can every single day. This creates more energy in the long run, not less.

It also keeps my head clear and my heart open (and furthermore, it also happens to mean NO chronic pain, something else I have had to deal with for most of my life).

For me to move, to dance, to move some more as many hours a day as possible, this is my matter of life and death.  Dance is my path through this life; it is not just something I do.  It is something I am.

The next day I was told that I was to put all of this into practice. No more getting away with my teaching being my only movement for the day.

I obeyed. And thus my aching arse.

I tap danced for the first time in probably a year.  Tap dancing is not the intense internal work of, say, butoh or yoga, but it is FUN.  I forgot HOW fun.

Forty five minutes of tap dancing and I was loaded with excitable energy for the rest of the day and I did sleep better, more soundly.

Imagine that!

I cannot remember but somewhere I read that troubles falling asleep and bad dreams have everything to do with not living our lives to the fullest during our awake hours.  I believe that I have bad sleep habits that need to be broken that center around hyper-vigilance, for sure, but there is something to that other theory.

What are you not doing during your waking hours that calls to you at night?


Anonymous said...

Would love to see videos of your dancing, alone and teaching. Could be a great source of inspiration.

Christine Claire Reed said...

ahhh...patience, grasshopper...