(Our favorite house on the grounds of Chautauqua Institution.)
Marcy had a day off this week, and she did her usual Marcy thing: She bounced out of bed and commenced working on a wide variety of projects. Okay, there may have been a momentary pause as she announced, "I need ESPRESSO!"
But you see, the thing is, she doesn't actually NEED espresso. No. She needs it in that she loves it, but she does not need it to wake her up or to give her energy or to soothe her into her day through some espresso making ritual.
She wakes up and is simply ready to attack her day with vim and vigor. She is a happy and healthy animal, much like a kitten, who is all like, "Hey! I'm alive for another day! Cool! Let's see what we can do! Let's see what mischief we can get into! This is so cool!"
You get the idea, and maybe you are lucky enough to be like her.
I am not.
I wake up sleepy.
I either have nightmares, from which I awaken with the aftereffects of dream-induced trauma, or I wake up not refreshed because I have not slept well for more than a couple of nights in a row since I was quite young (see this post for an explanation of that), and well, it can be hard to catch up on about 40 years of bad sleeps.
So there we were: Marcy ready to rock n' roll her way through her day and me...not ready for much more than sitting and staring.
The day Marcy had off was also my day off from teaching, and Marcy was trying to encourage me, of all things, to use my day well, ogre that she is, by perhaps working on some of the many projects that I claim I want to work on.
And I got grouchy, of course, but this time, I ended up crying. That is how tired I am: You can come on over and find me crying before 9 AM on our back stoop.
I am sick and tired of being this tired.
I save up every ounce of energy I have for teaching and just getting the basics done in terms of my own "work." But I want more, damn it. I want to choreograph and make little films and create workshops.
I. Want. More.
But I am so eff'ing tired.
Again, how does one get over almost 40 years of bad sleeps?
We have a bunch of things we are going to try, but that's where I am right now: sleepy and sick of it. Wanting to up my game but just getting by playing the game I already play.
Sigh. (And cue the yawn...)