Friday, June 10, 2011

Waking Up Sleepy

(Our favorite house on the grounds of Chautauqua Institution.)

Marcy had a day off this week, and she did her usual Marcy thing: She bounced out of bed and commenced working on a wide variety of projects.  Okay, there may have been a momentary pause as she announced, "I need ESPRESSO!"

But you see, the thing is, she doesn't actually NEED espresso.  No.  She needs it in that she loves it, but she does not need it to wake her up or to give her energy or to soothe her into her day through some espresso making ritual.

She wakes up and is simply ready to attack her day with vim and vigor. She is a happy and healthy animal, much like a kitten, who is all like, "Hey! I'm alive for another day! Cool! Let's see what we can do!  Let's see what mischief we can get into! This is so cool!"

You get the idea, and maybe you are lucky enough to be like her.

I am not.

I wake up sleepy.

I either have nightmares, from which I awaken with the aftereffects of dream-induced trauma, or I wake up not refreshed because I have not slept well for more than a couple of nights in a row since I was quite young (see this post for an explanation of that), and well, it can be hard to catch up on about 40 years of bad sleeps.

So there we were: Marcy ready to rock n' roll her way through her day and me...not ready for much more than sitting and staring.

The day Marcy had off was also my day off from teaching, and Marcy was trying to encourage me, of all things, to use my day well, ogre that she is, by perhaps working on some of the many projects that I claim I want to work on.

And I got grouchy, of course, but this time, I ended up crying. That is how tired I am: You can come on over and find me crying before 9 AM on our back stoop.

I am sick and tired of being this tired.

I save up every ounce of energy I have for teaching and just getting the basics done in terms of my own "work." But I want more, damn it.  I want to choreograph and make little films and create workshops.

I. Want. More.

But I am so eff'ing tired.

Again, how does one get over almost 40 years of bad sleeps?

We have a bunch of things we are going to try, but that's where I am right now: sleepy and sick of it.  Wanting to up my game but just getting by playing the game I already play.

Sigh.  (And cue the yawn...)


Grace said...

What a cute little pink home--I can see myself living there:)

I can relate to this post. I am often evnious of type A, goal-oriented people, and sometimes I get it my head that if I just find something I'm passionate enough about then I too can be one them. But I don't think a lack of passion is the reason; I'm just not wired that way. I am a slow, contemplative mover; not a rushing river, but a gentle, mendering stream. I think it's great that you have someone like Marcy in your life to act as a balance for you. You probably wouldn't be so hard on yourself for being tired if we didn't live in a society where one's self-worth is based on achievement, but that is a value, nothing more.

Dimond said...

Still think a raw vegan diet would make a huge impact on your life, especially now. Not just with energy & sleep, but with all of your health esp the brain. If done correctly, you shouldn't have any issues. If not 100%, maybe it can be the majority of your diet, while the rest of your diet is kept to certain foods.

Or you can just tweak your current diet greatly. For example, eat an easy-to-digest meal for dinner. That alone can change things. Eliminating certain foods besides gluten that can cause issues.

The other component is spiritual practices. Maybe something you can do prior to sleep each night that long term can be beneficial like reprogramming your subconscious mind. When you feel good enough, sitting meditation.

Christine Claire Reed said...

Raw and vegan are both not options for me for about one million reasons. If it works for others, great, but it's not for this animal (and trust me, I have done vast experimentation with my diet).

And I do have an immense amount of spiritual practice in my life, including pre-bed.

That's why this is so very frustrating.

I am finding some relief using some singing bowl stuff, and I'll be writing about the main thing that helps soon. ;)

Christine Claire Reed said...

Grace, you do have a very excellent point about what our culture says about achievement.

The issue for me right now is that I want MORE. I want an awake and vital life and I want to be able to do the things I dream of -- and not for societal accolades but for my OWN. :)

Jacqueline said...

Christine, you mention that you have an espresso habit--how much caffeine do you use per day? Have you thought about trying essential oils? I'm sure you've tried a variety of herbal teas, as I know you've mentioned tea before. By reading you for a few years I know you're practicing the spiritual things and the gratitude thing. I do hear what you're saying though, that it's ingrained from childhood. At least your intention and attention is there, and you have a supportive partner. Please let us know how this unfolds. Good luck with this.

Nicole said...

As a fellow non-sleeper, I was advised by my naturopath to try a Gaba supplement at bedtime to help with insomnia. I have spent years suffering with insomnia--I can fall asleep easily, but wake at 1 or 2 o'clock for the day. 200 mg of Gaba before bed, and I haven't had insomnia since. It is an amino acid that we need, and it helps tell our brain, ok, time to shut down for the night. I've told some friends about it and they've also experienced success. Here in Canada I pick it up at the health food store.

I don't know if it's for you, but it truly changed my sleeping issues.

Good luck :)

Jennifer said...

OK, I know that you know that I know exactly what you're dealing with right here, so I'll just share what I have learned to do to get really good sleep.

First thing--- a mineral cocktail before bed, consisting of a large dose of magnesium, calcium and potassium (magnesium should be twice the amount of calcium, NOT the other way around). There are products specifically for this (such as Calm fizzy drink), but this works, and it's far cheaper.

Next thing--- MUSIC.
Seriously, I sleep with Fab every night!
I also listen to crystal bowl music by Amrita Cottrell (anything by her, but the song Invocation...I imagine that's what it must sound like in Heaven!)

And then, if I can't get to sleep, or if I wake up during the night (which happens less and less), then I psyche myself out by "pretending" to attempt meditation. Works every time! ;D