Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Puppy versus Big Dreams
Note: This story does not end with puppies. A necessary spoiler so you aren't disappointed.
A few weeks ago, Marcy was suddenly enamored of the idea that I have a puppy. She got it into her cute skull that I would do really well with an "emotional support animal" that I could take everywhere with me. I think she had an image along these lines in her head.
Fast forward a couple weeks and suddenly I am presented with the most perfect space EVER for a bricks and mortar studio of my very own.
I am, right now, in that wait and see stage of things that I hate. I am waiting to hear from the landlord, who, I think, is already pretty settled on me, but I will not go into high gear with planning until I have signed a lease.
After first seeing the space, I was nothing but excited, and then the fears started to kick in.
For the first time, I could clearly hear the voices of my fears. I could clearly hear what they were saying. Usually, my fears are more nebulous. They are mostly feelings, body stuff.
But my level of awareness has increased a ton over the last couple of months and so this time, these fears took on a solidity that they have never had, and they kept repeating the same thing to me over and over:
"Stay small. Stay small. This is too scary! STAY SMALL! You should just get that emotional support animal..." (Insert images of me and cute dog with cute outfits having cute, but small, times together...ahhh...soft and simple and....SMALL...)
"Don't get big. It's too scary. You cannot possibly take on such responsibilities. Small is super SAFE. You have always chosen small for us before and we like it."
On and on, these voices droned for a couple of days. And I let them.
I let my fears have their say and I did not respond. Little did my fears know, they were making no headway. I was listening but I was not taking their advice and I had no plans to. I was just listening. They were there; they had things to say. Telling my fears to "shut it!"...well, that just makes them yell things even louder.
Instead, I just continued to listen. And you know what? They must have gotten tired, lost their voices, because there is the echo of what they had to say, for sure, but I don't hear fresh material coming from them any more.
I am still afraid, for sure. Acting on Big Dreams should be a bit scary or you aren't dreaming big enough.
But fear, schmear. I am moving forward regardless...and without that puppy who would have kept me acting way too safe.