Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Puppy versus Big Dreams

Note: This story does not end with puppies. A necessary spoiler so you aren't disappointed.

A few weeks ago, Marcy was suddenly enamored of the idea that I have a puppy. She got it into her cute skull that I would do really well with an "emotional support animal" that I could take everywhere with me.  I think she had an image along these lines in her head.

Fast forward a couple weeks and suddenly I am presented with the most perfect space EVER for a bricks and mortar studio of my very own.

I am, right now, in that wait and see stage of things that I hate.  I am waiting to hear from the landlord, who, I think, is already pretty settled on me, but I will not go into high gear with planning until I have signed a lease.

After first seeing the space, I was nothing but excited, and then the fears started to kick in.

For the first time, I could clearly hear the voices of my fears. I could clearly hear what they were saying.  Usually, my fears are more nebulous.  They are mostly feelings, body stuff.

But my level of awareness has increased a ton over the last couple of months and so this time, these fears took on a solidity that they have never had, and they kept repeating the same thing to me over and over:

"Stay small. Stay small. This is too scary! STAY SMALL! You should just get that emotional support animal..." (Insert images of me and cute dog with cute outfits having cute, but small, times together...ahhh...soft and simple and....SMALL...)

"Don't get big. It's too scary. You cannot possibly take on such responsibilities.  Small is super SAFE. You have always chosen small for us before and we like it."

On and on, these voices droned for a couple of days.  And I let them.

I let my fears have their say and I did not respond.  Little did my fears know, they were making no headway. I was listening but I was not taking their advice and I had no plans to.  I was just listening.  They were there; they had things to say. Telling my fears to "shut it!"...well, that just makes them yell things even louder.

Instead, I just continued to listen.  And you know what? They must have gotten tired, lost their voices, because there is the echo of what they had to say, for sure, but I don't hear fresh material coming from them any more.

I am still afraid, for sure.  Acting on Big Dreams should be a bit scary or you aren't dreaming big enough.

But fear, schmear. I am moving forward regardless...and without that puppy who would have kept me acting way too safe.


svasti said...

I've got my fingers and toes crossed for you and when I don't need them, I'll cross my eyes for you, too! (It's good for the eyes to do a few exercises!!)

Regardless of whether or not you get this particular studio (I've got a good feeling about it though!), congrats on the big dreams and for being ever-closer to making them happen. :)

Brooks Hall said...

So awesome! I am excited reading this. Yay for going big!

llvsoto said...

That reminds me of the Marianne Williamson quote: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Conquer your fears bliss chick!