Thursday, September 15, 2011

How I Almost Killed Awesome with Anxiety

I was invited to teach at a wellness event in wine country!

If you've been reading here over the last few weeks, there is a lot of AWESOME happening in my life right now.

In person, though, you wouldn't know it to be around me.

Until yesterday when I finally noticed what the heck was going on and put a quick stop to it and made an about face in my approach and attitude.

I realized this thing I was doing and I think it's rather Big and that a lot of us tend to do it:

I was using Big Happy as something to be anxious about rather than something to feel grateful for.

Yep, instead of walking around grinning like an idiot about this amazing thing that has somehow kinda just happened to me, I was walking around with a frown and a forehead crease, picking at my cuticles like I was digging for gold.

This approach, of course, has to do with fear.

I fear that this will not last.

I fear that something will go wrong.

I fear that I will fail.

I fear, I fear, you fear, we all fear...

Those fears are about control and the illusion that we have any.

Here's the thing: I left a situation a short while ago that was not working out for me.  I took a risk. I could have stayed, but it was bad for me physically and it was hurting my students.  I left.  I didn't want to.  Staying would have been easier and it came with a certain level of...certainty.

Within days, though, of showing even a small amount of belief in the work I do, someone was already thinking of me and how much my work would be perfect in this space we are going to move into on October 1st, the Girl on Fire Movement Studio that is currently being birthed on paper.

Did you notice something there?

I barely had anything to do with the Awesome that happened.  I put out some serious intention, took a really simple risk, said Yes to the Universe in a rather whisper-y, wimpy way.

And then...AHHHH!!!! ((cue the angel songs and the bright lights))

The studio was pretty much dropped in my lap.

Not "pretty much."

The studio was totally dropped in my lap.

What did I do about this?

I started gripping, that's what I did.  I started believing I had the Control and the Power.


This studio is happening and it feels like it's happening without me because it is.

It wants to be born.  Like a human baby, it's coming whether I think I'm ready or not.

I can freak out (which is the approach I have chosen thus far) or I can enjoy the miracle of this unfolding.

I can just say "YES!"

I can...wait for it...because it is, like, totally revolutionary...

I can opt to just. have. fun.



McCaffery said...

you are so appreciated, especially love seeing your posts, and one as timely for me as this one, when doing my morning reading first thing in the morning. I didn't know you had that fear and anxiety with this new great studio. thank you for being so open about it.


Rachel @ SuburbanYogini said...

Ahahaha now.

Are you in fact scared of failure or, are you in fact terrified of how amazingly successful and awesome you could potentially become?

I have just uncovered the difference between these two in one of my coaching sessions and it was one of the biggest lightbulb moments of my life.

It's that Marianne Williamson thing - there's a lot more fear of success than there is of failure.

Let's go Girl on Fire

Love, love love xxx

Susan said...

Omgosh! What an amazing story and...perfect timing for me:) I've been struggling with trying to force the hand of the path I think I'm supposed to be on...with some not so happy/feel good results. Just this morning I let go of one thing that no longer felt "good" and opened the door for the universe to take - if I can just keep trusting instead of forcing. I'd imagine just looking at my face and if I see stress or a peaceful reflection would be a good indicator...

I'm so glad you found your peace and that your studio fell in your lap:)

Em said...

I so get this. I struggle all the time with this sort of thing.

Right now I'm in the middle of a few different things that I'm trying to climb over my own fears to do. (And I've gotten lots of messages from the universe.)

Still trying!

Louise said...

Isn't it amazing? "Take one step towards God and God takes ten steps towards you." Life wants this so much for you, SO MUCH, that it only takes a tiny movement in the right direction, a whimpering "yes" for the golden gates to swing open.
I am also constantly amazed at this in my life. For so long I thought I had to face this and overcome that and make all these efforts-- but actually when the time is right, it all falls into our lap magically. Hallelujah! Congratulations, Christine. Much love!

lisa said...

Beautiful post. Aptly timed. Perfect message I needed to read today.

Many bright, happy, shiny blessings (and oodles of peaceful gratitude) for your Journey. :)