Thursday, September 22, 2011

"Things change, Kundun..." or How Did All of this Happen in Under Two Years?!

I am writing content for a new site (coming soon!), and I wrote a new "about me" page, in which I told the story of my transformation in the last few years.

Few. Notice I said "few years."

I wrote in my "about me" story that three years ago I was just getting ready to go to Kripalu and change my life forever.

Nope. It was TWO years ago.  Here is one of the pre-Kripalu posts.

On the second day of October, year 2011, I will be teaching my first class in my very own studio space.

On the second day of October, year 2009, I was just getting ready to embark on this amazing journey.

So fast!  Breathlessly fast!

And when I left for Kripalu, I could not have had any freaking idea what lay before me. I thought it might

It turned out to be transformational in so many ways that to describe it just sounds like crazy, over-hyped nonsense.

But it was that big.

So I have to wonder, as I embark on this next leg of this journey, what lies ahead? I cannot, as evidenced by the past two years, have any clue.

Just opening this studio is a dream come true but I know that even more awaits me.

In two measly years, so much as happened.

Let's make a list!

  • I was still having a hard time getting out of bed on most mornings. Anxiety and depression ruled my world.
  • I, in no way, felt fulfilled. I felt stuck. I felt like I would never ever meet any part of my potential as a human being.
  • I felt lucky to have all the love I had in my life, but I was not living in gratitude for it, that's for sure.
  • I mostly felt frightened and superstitious.
  • I thought if I dared to ever want more than comfort and safety, that all I cared about would be taken from me as punishment for my greed.
  • I was drowning in stories of my past.
  • I would get moments of relief, but mostly, I was in emotional and mental pain.
  • I could not see how this was hurting Marcy -- that's how lost I was.
  • I had very few friends and the ones I did have...many of them were toxic or highly needy. You know, people I could "take care of" so that I could feel an ounce of good about myself.
  • I was physically so out of shape and uncomfortable in my body that, for a while, Marcy and I talked about how I would need a CANE soon! YES! A CANE! I had hip issues and was lucky enough to find an amazing PT in Cleveland...but IMAGINE! I thought I needed a cane!!
Well...sadly...that list could go on and on, but so could this one:

Post-Kriaplu and Presently:
  • If I ever have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, it's because I AM SLEEPY! From being so ACTIVE and ENGAGED in my life!
  • I feel constantly and wonderfully challenged. I feel that I am able to experiment and push myself and experience the edges of my potential as I push them further and further.
  • I have so much love in my life and now the people whom I love ALSO feel loved and seen and taken care of.
  • I mostly feel interested, intrigued, awe-struck, and faithful.  Those are my predominant states of mind.
  • Now I see fear and anxiety as something to walk through.  As an invitation to learn more about myself and NEVER as something to STOP me.
  • I am no longer mired in my old stories but making new ones every day.
  • My brain is a tool. It is healing. It no longer works against me.
  • Marcy is now able to be more HERSELF, since I am not sucking all our energy.
  • I am surrounded by so many friends! This is a HUGE MIRACLE. I HAVE FRIENDS! And they are interesting, engaged, open, loving humans! We have an amazing community.
  • I am stronger, more graceful, more balanced, more creative in this body than I even was at 16.
Two years.

"Things change, Kundun," his teacher tells him in the movie. And then, he snaps his fingers.  Things change and they change fast.

If we are open to the possibility and willing to do our part.

I have been scared shitless through most of this, but I did it anyway.

So can you.


Anonymous said...

Mazel Tov! You have not only helped yourself and Marcy, you help us who go through our struggles. xo

Rachel said...

They do change fast.


Nicole S. said...

I'm so happy and excited for you! I'm a long time reader of your blog and so I feel like I've been a witness to your transformation and it's a joy to see and read about...I have similar issues with anxiety & depression and find myself still battling them and reading your blog has always given me seeds of hope and a daily "push" in the right direction to keep myself on the path - so this is a thank you comment for all your honesty and courage and may many more blessings come your way with your new adventures!

Carmen said...

Thanks so much for sharing your journey! This hit me in a very powerful way today, it makes me believe it is possible for me too, and I haven't been feeling that way lately.